Around the Fire

Christmas is Depressing?

2006-12-17T23:57:00.000+08:00

This reflection was written way back in 2000 but I somehow couldn't find them on my blogs, so.. here it is dug up from my hard disk.

Christmas is depressing. So the experts tell us.

Psychologists have long been familiar with a phenomena they call 'Holiday Blues' (HB). Characterised by a sad, melancholy and anxious mood connected with the holiday season, such a state is seen as pathological and inappropriate because of its mood-incongruent features1 . Some reports claim attempted suicide increased during and after Christmas.
The heart of HB is captured by this statement: People are supposed to be happy and glad during the holidays - since I am not, there is something wrong with me that must be fixed or made to disappear.

The etiology of Holiday Blues is multi-factorial. If you're feeling down when the guy next to you is straining 'Fa la la la la!' in high-pitched tones, the contrast is depressing. Also, the year end is a time of self-evaluation and remembering past failures - 'I didn't do so good this year, what's there to celebrate?'. If we're separated from family and loved ones, the loneliness and isolation becomes intensified. And there is pressure to appear sociable and happy at parties, gatherings, and even church services. Wrap that all up with fatigue and stress and you have a sure formula for a crash, burnout and depression.

That's the scene today - artificial merriment making things worse for a person who has real problems of life to cope with.

Ah.. but that's the world! You say. Surely Christians are not susceptible to this phenomena! We have the true meaning of Christmas! Well, to investigate how Christians feel, I asked some old friends about their experience in past Christmases. Take note of the irony in what they say.

"There is so much work, so little time to reflect!"
"I remember how (as a student) I used to feel so empty on Christmas day because that's the time everything is over."
"All the activities! And nobody focuses on the beauty of Christmas itself."

It's a tragedy, I say. Caroling hungrily from street to street. Endless rehearsals to get that note or step just right for the choir and dance. Massive mind-boggling preparations for the Christmas mega concert. All resulting in us having no time and no energy, to focus on the wrong thing anyway. In our efforts to tell the joyous message, we are spending ourselves so completely that we have nothing left with which to savor the hope and reason for Christmas ourselves.

Brothers, let's make this Christmas different. As a recurrent victim of Holiday Blues over many years of Christmas cantatas and campaigns, I plead with you. We need to. And we can. If you are racing towards the end of the year, laden with the burdens of the world, only to cry 'It is finished!' and collapse in a heap, remember this : Jesus already did that for you 2000 years ago. You don't have to repeat his act!

Receive Hope

Face it - it's been a year of win some, lose some. A fair share of accomplishments and failures. Maybe more failures than accomplishments. So what? God knows that, and loves you no less. Taking stock of the year can be discouraging. Hey, it's okay to be sad for a while - even in Christmas. But let your reflection lead you to thanksgiving, repentance and a renewed trust in God for the next chapter. God's compassion in making that journey from Heaven to emerge between the splayed legs of a teenage Mary in a smelly barn - should - a) bring me comfort (that He is with us and understands us) and b) renew my love for others (the same way God loves them).

Nourish yourself

Make time to be with good friends and loved ones. Lots of it. And preferably with good food. Be yourself and let others be themselves too. Revel in the relationships. Talk about life, laugh, and reaffirm that you are there for each other. Pick up the phone and reach the faraway. Ties to be renewed are more important than tasks to be finished. After all, the gift of loving relationships is what 'peace and goodwill to men' is all about.

Worship in rest

Above all, let our hearts be led into worship after copious doses of rest. You deserve it. Bolt the door. Snooze for as long as you like with the alarm clock off. And when you awake, in silence remember Jesus. It's just between you and Him. Offer your own version of frankincense, myrrh and gold in your own quiet way of worship. When we lift our eyes off of the world and ourselves, to set it high upon God above, we will surely find the reason beyond our little lives,.. for the season and beyond.

The Magic of Christmas

2006-12-17T23:48:00.000+08:00

This message was delivered at Ampang Gospel Centre's Youth Christmas Night on 18 December 2004

A TRIP TO BETHLEHEM

In the latest offering by Tom Hanks, The Polar Express, a young boy’s sense of the magic of Christmas fades as he confronts the myth of Santa Claus. But in a series of neck-breaking adventures on a magical train he learns that by believing hope is restored. In Hanks’ deep and lustrous voice, the ticket collector tells him, ‘The most real things in this world can’t be seen or touched.’ Though he finally gets to see AND touch Santa it was only when he believed that the tinkling of sleigh bells could be heard again. The magic was at last restored.

Rediscovering the real magic of Christmas buried under layers of commercialism on one hand and church activity on the other is a real challenge. Christmas is a good time indeded to find hope again. To experience a miracle.

If Christmas is about restoring hope, what we do we need to believe? What have we lost the ability to hear? What do need to see and touch this Christmas? What is the REAL THING?

Follow me on a journey, not to the North Pole, but East to Bethlehem, 30BC or so to meet some shepherds and their encounter with the real thing.

Read Luke 2:8-20

Ken Gire in Moments with the Saviour, sets the stage:

‘This knot of shepherds on the fringe of Jewish society spends the night atop a stone tower, a couple of them watching the flocks while the others huddle around a fire, catching what sleep they can. Eusebius writes that this watchtower stood about a thousand paces from Bethlehem. Jewish tradition adds that the tower overlooked a special flock of sheep. Sheep set aside for sacrifices.’

The Shepherds

These were the among the few people who first beheld the baby Jesus. Who saw him and touched him as a newborn. And through history we can reach back in time to ‘see and touch’ Jesus too. The baby, whom John tells us is God in the flesh. Coming into the world between the legs of teenage girl barely able to comprehend what was going on. Not an abstract philosophy or a set of beliefs. Not a feel-good story for the year-end. He is real as flesh and blood is real.

But what made it more amazing was that these shepherds were considered an unclean people by religious law (read Lev 11:44 onwards.) They were a shunned minority encamped outside of Bethlehem. Forbidden from temple worship, anyone who touches them also becomes unclean immediately. It was no fun being a shepherd, cast out into unmarked fields and walled off from society. So how could shepherds who are unclean and unfit to come into contact with the Holy – to see and touch God in the flesh?

The Lamb

Ken Gire describes what it would’ve been like for the shepherds to meet Jesus: ‘there amid the straw, with white cloths wound so tightly around him, he looks to them like a newborn lamb… He lies there so meekly. Cradled in the most unexpected of places. Coming.. in the weakest of ways.’

These shepherds who guarded sheep set apart for sacrifices would’ve understood. For centuries, hundreds of thousands of lambs have been slaughtered to make up for the sins of the people. Animal after animal, there was no end to it. They could never truly pay for their sins. Not until this one perfect lamb. The one spotless, blameless and without blemish sent to take away the sins of the world. A perfect sacrifice by one who is without sin. This was a baby born to die. Destined to shoulder our sins and die in our place.

The baby Jesus was both the Holy One and the Lamb who will make the way for God and man to be reconciled. Beyond seeing and touching, that is what we need to believe today. Jesus came to us in flesh and blood. And it is the same flesh that will be pierced years later, on a cross. The same blood that is poured out on Calvary. He came to reach us who are unclean and by His blood make us clean.

When we look at the baby Jesus, we are looking at one, as Gire says, who is ‘Waiting for us to come, yet willing for us not to. Waiting for us to see, yet willing for us to turn away. Waiting for us to worship him, yet willing for us to renounce him… He is Christ the Lord. Yet he has placed himself at the mercy of his creation. At the mercy of strangers to take him in. At the mercy of animals to warm him. At the mercy of mortals to feed him, to protect him, to raise him…’

He invites us to come as we are – though unclean, unwanted and without hope. Stoop low into the manger to see and touch. Believe again that He has been born into our lives to save us. And listen to his unconditional love to you.

‘But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.’

Like Mary, let us fully receive and deeply rejoice in the miracle of the Holy God born into our lives. Like the shepherds let us worship in humble awe, deeply grateful for our new lives – not as the unclean and unwanted but as the Beloved and the Chosen. For that is the ‘magic of Christmas’ that we need to believe and experience for ourselves.

Finding God's Will For Your Life

2006-10-09T23:51:00.000+08:00

This topical survey of the Bible was done and preached at HOPE EFC, Wangsa Maju on 8 October 2006. Many thanks to Hope EFC for the opportunity and challenge to search the Scriptures on this critical topic.

YOUR WILL BE DONE

I spotted a book recently that suggests the world is made of two kinds of people: people who think like cats and people who think like dogs. Those who are like cats, when fed and cared for think, ‘You are nice to me, I must be God.’ Others, like dogs, however will think, ‘Since you are nice to me, you must be God.’ These two mindsets capture the two ways in which we could possibly approach guidance. When we ask, ‘What is God’s will for my life?’ are we asking to serve God, or are we making God servant to our needs? Is ‘finding God’s will’ much ado about us or much ado about God? There is a world of difference between trying to squeeze some divine sanction for our plans (and call it ‘finding God’s will’) and giving our unconditional obedience to His will.

When we pray, ‘Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven’ (Matt 6:10), we declare it is His plans that we surrender our lives to and not the other way round. How we find God’s will (the authority) for our lives (which we subject to God’s will) then is the question I shall try to address.

Should I marry him/her? How do I know she’ll make a good wife/husband? Should I marry at all? What course should I study? Which job should I take? Is God calling me to full-time ministry? Which church should I go to? Is it right for me to watch this movie? Should I drive or take the bus? If I make the wrong choice, am I still in God’s will? Life is full of choices; some have more serious consequences than others and provoke great anxiety. If we’re honest, we’ve all secretly thought: Wouldn’t it be easier if God just told us what to do? After all He knows everything and how things turn out in the end. ‘What is God’s will for me?’ seems to be one of the most confusing and frustrating questions in a Christian’s life.

GOD’S WILL IN THE BIBLE STORY

The Bible sympathizes with us. The psalmist in Psalm 73 was ‘grieved’ and ‘embittered’ until he realized ‘you hold me by my right hand, you guide me with your counsel’(Ps 73:22-23). The prophet Jeremiah humbly prays: ‘I know, O LORD, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps’ (Jer 10:23).

Scripture promises God does guide and we should seek His guidance: ‘In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed.’(Ex 15:13), ‘he will be our guide even to the end’ (Ps 48:14), ‘whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it,"’ (Isa 30:21). But how does He guide us and where is He guiding us to?

Perhaps you’ve been taught, as I was, that knowing God’s will is akin to a pilot getting lights on a runway to line up. These ‘lights’, we are told, are permissive circumstances, peaceful conviction, and wise counsel and when they come together, we can proceed safely to our destination. That may be useful but only if we’re on the right plane headed to the right place! Imagine the shock if on your vacation to Sinagore, the pilot crackles the radio and announces, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for flying with us. The lights on the runway are lined up and we will be making our descent to Timbuktoo International Airport.’ To get both destination and path right, I believe the story of the Bible has something to teach us. The storyline of God’s history reveals how we actually got lost in the first place and how God is guiding us back to where we belong.

(Friesen in his book, ‘Decision Making and the Will of God’ describes three ‘wills’ of God – the sovereign will, moral will and individual will . The sovereign will of God is the detailed plan for all events in the universe. It is hidden and the believer cannot know and is not expected to find it. However, we cannot miss it because it always comes to pass. Though it includes both good and evil, it will ultimately lead to God’s glory. We only discover God’s sovereign will after it happens. The second, God’s moral will, is a body of commands and principles for life which believer are expected to find and obey. It was revealed to the prophets and apostles by the Spirit and is found in Scriptures. Its directives are general for all believers. Thirdly, we may speak of an ‘individual will’ that is a detailed plan for all decisions in a believer’s life which we expect to find, obey, and have failed if we miss it. It cannot be found in the Bible, and can only be revealed by impressions by the Holy Spirit. It has specific directives for specific believers. Let’s see if we can see these ‘wills’ of God featuring throughout the Bible story.)

Guidance in Eden - Perfect but Rejected

God created us in His image . The description in Genesis of man as the ‘image of God’ blessed to ‘fill the earth, subdue it, and rule.. every living creature’ (Gen 1:26-28) spells out man’s purpose as God’s representative authority on earth. Also, God commanded man to work the garden and to eat from any tree in the garden except one. Being equipped with instructions (revelation) and unbroken fellowship (relationship) with God suggests they knew God’s purpose and character so intimately as to be perfectly guided in serving Him. Still we should note two things: One, God did not dictate to them what to do but left it to them to exercise discretion as illustrated by Adam naming the animals. Two, God gave them free will to submit to or reject His rule. Sadly, ‘in eating the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, Adam and Eve sought… to be morally independent of God’ . Grasping for the knowledge of good and evil meant that they were grasping for equality with God to decide right and wrong for themselves. Rejecting God’s rule, man went the way of their choice, losing God’s fellowship and His guidance with it.

Guidance in Israel - Partially Restored

God however is Sovereign – in full control of events to accomplish His purpose perfectly. (That man had access to the tree of life showed that God's will for them was, in fact, life . In spite of man’s rebellion He will accomplish it through Christ in the new heaven and earth - [compare Rev 2:7, 22:2]) Mankind plummeted down a vicious spiral of evil culminating in the Flood and the scattering at Babel. Unknown to man, God moved to restore a people of His own. He starts His plan with Abraham & Sarah and gives them descendants in spite of their barrenness. Through Joseph, He saves them from starvation in spite of scheming siblings selling him into slavery. He redeemed Israel from slavery with mighty acts, through and in spite of Pharaoh’s stubbornness. He brings them into Canaan, the new Eden flowing with milk and honey in spite of their disobedience. En route, in Sinai, God offered to them a covenant where He would be their God-King and they submitted to His rule (relationship). A nation was born and they received the Law for governance and the Tabernacle for worship. The Law revealed God’s purpose for Israel to be a representative authority in the form of a ‘kingdom of priests and a holy nation’ (Exo 19:6) in the world. Guided by the Law (revelation) and through the prophet Moses , Israel was to ‘be holy because I, the LORD your God, am holy’ (Lev 19:2) serving Him as a witness to the nations. In God’s sovereign will, God guided Israel to accomplish His purpose for them through the Law and the prophets (revelation of moral will).

(Prophets throughout the history of Israel would continue Moses’ legacy of calling for obedience, warning against judgment, leading to repentance and encouraging hope in times of distress.)

‘In the past God spoke to our forefathers through the prophets at many times and in various ways, but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed heir of all things, and through whom he made the universe. The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word.’ Heb 1:1-2

Guidance in Christ - Complete and Final

Israel foreshadowed a greater kingdom in Christ. And where Israel failed, the Church succeeds under Christ. Christ himself preached that the ‘kingdom of heaven is near’ and he ushered it in. Through and in spite of suffering a cruel death under the hand of Pontius Pilate, Jesus triumphed to give us life, offering a new covenant in his blood (cf. Mt 26:28, Mk 14:24, Lk 22:20) - with him as Messiah (King). The Old Testament Scriptures explain the significance of Christ and foreshadowed him, while Christ fulfills and completes the Scriptures. Jesus says he did not come to ‘abolish the Law or the Prophets… but to fulfill them’(Mt 5:17, compare Lk 24:44, Jn 1:45) and he himself ‘beginning with Moses and all the Prophets,… explained.. what was said in all the Scriptures concerning himself.’(Lk 24:27). More than that, Christ is God’s final and perfect revelation. God ‘made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.’(2 Cor 4:6). In this new order we are no longer led by the Law but by the Spirit (cf. Rom 8:14, Gal 5:18) . So in Christ, Scripture is perfected and He is the perfect revelation of God. God guides His church now to accomplish His purpose through the revelation of Christ-perfected-Scripture and the inner witness of the Truth-teaching-Spirit.

FINDING GOD’S WILL TODAY

We have seen that the Bible story frames guidance as man’s choices (individual will), worked out from revelation and relationship (moral will), but all within the sphere of God’s purpose for mankind (sovereign will). The New Testament, as we would expect, enlarges these elements in the new order and kingdom under Christ.

'And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.’ (Rom 8:28-30)

Fulfilling God's Purposes

God will achieve His purposes. ‘For the LORD Almighty has purposed, and who can thwart him? His hand is stretched out, and who can turn it back?’ (Isa 14:27) ‘God is mighty,.. and firm in His purpose’ (Job 36:5) Because God is in control, and will accomplish his purposes for us come what may - the good and bad, joys and pains, successes and failures we experience, are all raw materials in for God’s work in our lives. In God’s sovereign will, we can happily affirm ‘in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.’ How events and experiences fit in God’s perfect plan is unknowable though we may get glimpses in retrospect. Will divorce, financial failure, and calamities achieve God’s purposes? Can the Tsunami and war in Iraq bring glory to God? They will in the final accounting, but only God knows how.

What then is God’s purpose(s) for us?

The first ‘great’ purpose it seems, is to know God. Jesus prayed before his betrayal, ‘Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.’(Jn 17:1-3) To know Him is the greatest gift of the gospel. John Piper says in his latest book, ‘God is the Gospel’, ‘Until.. the gospel promises of justification and eternal life lead you to behold and embrace God himself as your highest joy, you have not embraced the gospel of God.’ King David in severe duress under the onslaught of his enemies cried, ‘One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.’(Ps 27:4). God was Abraham’s ‘shield’ and ‘very great reward.’ (Gen 15:1)

Incidentally it is only in knowing God that we truly know ourselves. Israel knew their belovedness (eg. Dt. 7:8) under God’s protective parenting (eg. Exo 19:4) and gentle shepherding . Today, we relate to God as sons and not slaves (Rom 8:14-16, Gal 4:6-7), we are (undeservedly) his treasured possession, precious and honored in His sight (Isa 43:4, Ex 19:5, Dt 14:2). As we see in His eyes our belovedness, much of the self-doubt and insecurity which often drives our search for ‘God’s perfect will’ quickly dissolves. The apostle John assures us: ‘There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear,...’ (1 John 4:18)

The second great purpose for believers is to be like Christ. He predestined that ‘those God foreknew,… to be conformed to the likeness of his Son,’ (Rom 8:28-30). And so He has called us, justified us and will glorify us in order that we may be like Him. ‘He chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.’(Eph 1:4). Adam & Eve bore God’s image, Israel was to be holy like their God was holy, and we are to be conformed to the likeness of Christ. We are to be ‘clothed with Christ’ taking on His character, His love, His humility.

The third is to serve Him. Adam and Eve worked the garden, Israel was to be a ‘kingdom of priests’ serving and worshipping God, and Christ ‘did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.’(Mt 20:28). Paul exhorts us ‘in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.’(Rom 12:1-2) Paul asserts that it is the renewed mind that carries out God’s will, and that we only grasp the perfection of God’s will when we do it!

(But what about God’s individual will? Doesn’t God want me to be in His perfect will – marrying the right woman, having the right job, being in the right place at the right time doing the right thing? Friesen asserts that Scripture shows us that God guiding his people supernaturally giving specific instructions were exceptions to the rule. Direct guidance was given to people who had a crucial role at critical moments in history to establish His Kingdom and Word. I might add, beyond that, ‘the secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law.’[Deut 29:29] What is revealed to us is what we need to make sound choices.)

Through Scriptures and the Spirit

God’s people are guided by His revelation. It is sufficient: ‘All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.’(2 Tim 3:16-17). It enlightens, ‘making wise the simple’, giving ‘joy to the heart,.. light to the eyes,..’ and keeps us from ‘willful sins.’ (Ps 19:7-11). It is relevant: Peter asserts that until Christ comes again, ‘you will do well to pay attention to it [Scriptures], as to a light shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts.’(2 Pet 1:19). Scriptural wisdom guides God’s image-bearers (representative authority) in exercising their God-given responsibility. We are not to be ‘like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle’ (Ps 32:9). Very often we ask for God’s will because a decision seems too difficult for us to make. We’d rather someone else made the decision for us or worse, it may be that we are trying to shirk responsibility. If things go wrong, God is to blame! (If my marriage fails, it’s because – God, you gave me this woman! Sound familiar? Blaming others is in our genes!) Instead God ‘works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.’ (Phil 2:13). Not bypassing our minds or exempting us from making decisions, we are required to understand and apply Scriptures in our choices.

But that’s not the last word. Christ has also sent us the Spirit! The Spirit helps us in understanding and applying the Scriptures. Jesus, promised that his disciples will not be orphaned but that God would ‘give you another Counselor to be with you forever - the Spirit of truth.. he lives with you and will be in you.’(Jn 14:15-17) and that he would ‘guide you into all truth… taking from what is mine and making it known to you’(Jn 16:13-14). This is the great privilege of the new order we often forget to our loss. We are not just given Scriptures to read, but the perfect revelation of Christ dwells IN US by His Spirit. We no longer encounter God second-hand through human priests but ‘by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith.’(Heb 10:20-22). The Spirit lives within us to guide us in the truth of Christ and the Scriptures, and we need to cultivate practices of quiet and attentiveness to listen.

The Bible also teaches us to listen to the counsel of godly leaders, elders and our parents, but such counsel must ultimately come under the authority of Scripture.

God’s will for our lives is that we know Him, become like Him, and serve Him. Finding God’s will involves making decisions guided by Scriptures and the Holy Spirit. It seems that the first thing we need to do then is to adjust our circle of importance (what we place in the center and what we place in periphery) to better reflect God’s circle of importance and to align our plans to God’s purpose and values.

In Trust and Obedience

We do not want to be over-scrupulous, wondering if we’re in God’s will all the time. That will only lead to an obsessive compulsive disorder. God never meant for the matter of finding His will to cause us hand-wringing angst and sleepless nights. Rather obedience in what we know leads us to a quiet peace and confidence. God says: ‘"I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea.’(Isa 48:17-18) Similarly Jesus warns against obsessing about the minors: ‘So do not worry, saying, `What shall we eat?' or `What shall we drink?' or `What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.’(Matt 6:29-33) First things first!

We also do not need to know the specifics about everything at every turn! Trials help us discover who God is in our lives and define our calling. It is only in darkness that we look for the light, only when we’re lost do we find a way. Times of uncertainty and darkness are part of a believer’s journey, to refine our hope and strengthen our faith. We rejoice in suffering because suffering produces endurance, endurance character, and character, hope . The entire Hall of Fame of Hebrews 11 is about faith, the most classic description being: ‘By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.’ (Heb 11:17) We are also called to a journey with God through many unknowns, trusting Him completely who has ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you.’(Jer 29:11) Allow for some mystery!

NOT MY WILL BUT YOURS

In the final analysis, I think the hardest choices are not about what to do and where to go. Choices are hard because I am fundamentally a rebel, rejecting God’s rule from the very beginning. The tug-of-war between my desires and God’s purpose will continue make us miserable until we crucify self-will at the Cross. Jesus died that we may be free from our sinful selves. When we take the cup and the bread, we reaffirm that we died with Christ (Rom 6:8-11). Realising this, Merton wrote: ‘To belong to Him is to be free, free of all the anxieties and worries and sorrows that belong to this earth, and the love of the things that are in it…. The only thing that mattered was the fact of the sacrifice, the essential dedication of one's self, one's will. The rest was only accidental’

Life should be as exciting as a mystery novel or thriller movie – you know it’s going to have a great ending but you’re kept guessing how it gets there. And God isn't about to spoil it for us with horoscope-like answers. Every bit of life is precious – the ups and the downs, the good and the bad, the day and the night – let’s not trade them for quick answers.

God is more interested in us knowing Him, becoming like Him and loving Him than in getting every detail of life ‘perfectly right’. And until we get to heaven, let us live each day and face each struggle as Christ did at Gethsemane, in the worst of struggles, saying: ‘Not my will, but Yours be done.’(Lk 22:42)

References
G.Friesen and J.R. Maxson, Decision Making and the Will of God, 1980. Lancer
J.Piper, God is the Gospel, 2005. IVP
T.Merton, Magnetic North. In McDonnell TP, ed. A Thomas Merton Reader. New York:Doubleday, 1989, pg 132

What is Worship?

2006-09-22T23:10:00.000+08:00

'WHAT IS WORSHIP?' was delivered at a Seminar on Worship and Musicians’ Workshop at Kota Bharu Baptist Church, on 2 September 2006.

INTRODUCTION – Worship in Spirit and Truth

If a first-year junior were to ask you, ‘What do I need to know to have a meaningful experience of university here in Kota Bharu?’ how would you answer? You may proceed to tell him where to eat, or list the best beaches in the East Coast. You may tell him how to get cheap AirAsia tickets, or if you are a kaki-ponteng like I was, guide the junior as to which classes to skip for more sleep. But, being the responsible senior you would most probably guide the junior on the best books to use, which lectures to pay close attention to, and what to expect in the exams. Because you know unless a student fulfills his primary purpose in university – to master the course and ace the exams – no amount of Thai food or sandy beaches will make a good university experience.

What do we need to know to have meaningful experience of worship? Musical skills? Good singing? Nice melodies? I suggest that unless we understand the primary purpose for worship, our experience of worship will be shallow at best. We may enjoy the music or get a good feeling from singing, but never encounter the living God or understand our relationship with Him. What is worship? How should we worship? Should we clap, should we dance, can we use rock music or should we sing only hymns?

Read John 4:21-24

Jesus’s response goes straight to the heart of worship. Firstly it is spiritual. The nature of our worship corresponds to the nature of the One we worship – God is spirit, so we worship in spirit.. Because He did not reveal himself to us in any physical form, so worship is not to any physical images but with our hearts and words we worship the Unseen God1. Any form of worshipping images, statues, paintings are excluded. Secondly it is in truth. While we can fool others by enthusiastic singing or playing, we can’t fool God who knows our hearts. But more than just being truthful we are to worship IN the truth – knowing who we worship, who we are before God, and how He relates to us as revealed in the Bible must form the framework for our worship.

THE TRUTH OF WORSHIP

The Bible has a particular version of human history that tells the story God and man. If I may try to summarize the story of the Bible this way: God creates the Universe and puts man in charge under him but man rebels and loses this perfect relationship. Sin and pride increases and climaxes with terrible judgment in the Flood and dispersion at Babel. Then God chooses one man, Abraham, to kick-start his salvation plan for mankind. Through Abraham comes a nation who is the stage for the Saviour who finally comes to save mankind by dying on the cross for us. We can trace the origin and evolution of worship as we run through this history.

Made for Worship (Man in Eden)

In Eden, we see a perfect relationship and work. In six ‘days’ God created the heavens and earth and on the 7th day He rested. Every one of those days had a ‘morning and evening’ but the seventh day has no end. Six eras of creation past, the seventh age is one of REST. And mankind was brought into existence into this rest2 - enjoying creation and perfect fellowship with God the Creator. As God’s representative authority (i.e. image) on earth, we serve God by taking care of this earth. In the Garden was unbroken fellowship and joyful service to God. We can say we were made for worship.

(Rest is a theme that will be played out throughout the Bible till Revelations. Man loses this rest because of sin. Israel partially regains it in the Promised Land3. But finally Jesus gives us rest from our sin and striving4, from our alienation from God, a rest we re-enter by faith in Christ5, and will fully enjoy in the new heaven and earth6. Also, man, created in God’s image, we are told, were made to ‘rule and subdue’ the earth unlike any other creature7.)

Saved to Worship (Israel at Sinai)

The Israelites were saved from Egypt, (it is said 8 times in Exodus) so that ‘they may worship’8 God at Sinai. God chose a people for himself, redeemed them from slavery in Egypt, and gave birth to a nation with the goal of worshipping him again – enjoying fellowship and serving Him. At Sinai, it becomes interesting. A disorganized group in the desert were shaped into a nation under a God-king (theocracy). A constitution-like Ten Commandments and a legislation comprising moral, civil, and ceremonial codes are given. Together with that are detailed instructions on how to build and conduct worship at the Tabernacle. Can we learn anything about Christian worship from the way Israel was taught it?

The method for worship was with five major offerings9 – the burnt offering, grain offering, fellowship offering, sin offering and guilt offering – were prescribed. The sin and guilt offerings atoned for sins and ritual uncleanness. The grain offering showed thanksgiving, and the fellowship offering, a meal shared by priest and family in the presence of God, signified fellowship. The burnt offering accompanied atoning sacrifices but also signified dedication and surrender, a ‘pleasing aroma to God’, which was kept burning continuously. In their execution10 animals were slaughtered after laying hands on them, indicating substitution, and life-containing blood11 poured out – showing a penalty paid to turn away God’s wrath. The need for these sacrifices emphasizes God’s holiness, man’s sinfulness, and the crucial need for atonement. The order of sacrifices when carried out12 – sin offering-burnt offering-fellowship offering – shows that worship culminated in fellowship with God. With repentance and forgiveness, consecration and God’s acceptance, relationship is restored and maintained by the sacrifices. Worship begins with repentance, followed by surrender and finally a celebration of peace and fellowship with God. (The way it was in Eden, I might add.)

(The place for worship was the Tabernacle. Built according to detailed instructions, God dwelt among His people in the central chamber called the Most Holy Place. No one approached the Holy God except the sanctified High Priest bearing the blood of the sin offering once a year on the Day of Atonement. The High Priest would sprinkle the blood on the atonement-cover that stood between the Holy God and the Law in the ark. The Book of the Law was also housed there as a witness against them.)

In Christ we Worship

With the benefit of the New Testament we understand now that the sacrificial system was imperfect, and while it served the nation Israel at the time, it foreshadowed and was perfected by Christ and Christ alone. Christ is the sin offering who ‘died outside the city gates’ and whom God sent to ‘condemn sin in sinful man’13. He is the lamb without defect, the guilt offering who died to redeem us and cleanse our conscience14. He is the ‘pleasing aroma’15 that satisfies God all the time. Christ embodies every aspect of the sacrifices, fulfilling what it foreshadowed, and perfected it. Christ is the perfect, sinless, life-for-life substitute and His sacrifice is once for all making sinners perfect in God’s sight, ending all sacrifices16

Previously only the priest could conduct sacrifices, and even then he needed first to be cleansed. But today, ‘we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus,.. by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith..’17 Christ is himself the ‘mercy seat’ and the ‘atoning sacrifice’18 of the Tabernacle. In the language of John’s gospel, Christ has ‘tabernacled’19 with us, abiding even in our hearts by the Spirit. He is, as the furnishings of the Tabernacle presaged, the ‘bread of life’, ‘water welling up to eternal life’, and the ‘light of the world ‘20.

Just as the sacrifices were central to Israel’s worship, mediating atonement, consecration and fellowship, Christ is the center of our worship, our atoning sacrifice21, making us perfect and holy in his sight22, and Christ ushers us into His presence to enjoy peace23. Relationship is restored and maintained by Christ! It is through Christ and His work alone that we have access and we worship God.

(And because of Christ’s merciful work we are exhorted to offer up our bodies as living sacrifices24 (as opposed to the dead ones in the OT), and our words as sacrifices of praise25 - the only sacrifices left for us!)

THE SPIRIT OF WORSHIP

Our Attitude

The Greek have many words that have been translated to worship and praise in the Bible. Words for worship are latreuo (to serve), sebomai (to revere), and proskyneo (to bow down to). Words for praise are aineo (to praise for a work), epaineo (to commend for qualities or works), eulogeo (to bless or speak well of), exomologeomai (to confess) and doxazo (to give glory to). Worship celebrates the relationship we have with God, delighting in Him just as God delights in His people. In worship we bow deeply and humbly to the Holy One, who is above all things. He is the Absolute Reality, self-existent, and self-sustaining, ruling over Created Reality. When we celebrate God in this way, our hearts are fired up and imagination is captured to contemplate the God from whom we derive our existence. He is our very Source – He is our God, and we are the people of his pasture, the flock under his care26. We are creatures of worship – if we fail to worship God, we will bow to other things and become its slave instead. But when we worship God, we find perfect freedom.

In All of Life

It may come as a surprise to you that the word worship is never once used in the NT to describe Christian activity in churches. Most likely, church leaders were steering away from temple-based worship of the Old Testament since, as we have seen, Christ inaugurated a new order and made obsolete the old rituals.27 More importantly, the worship in the new order meant it is no longer bound to a particular time and place. A revolution has taken place. God no longer dwells in a human tent but indwells every believer and the body of Christ is the new ‘temple’. We approach God no more through a priest but directly and confidently by the blood of Jesus. We have immediate and continuous access to God through Christ and we can worship God freely all the time!

Worship has in a sense broken free from the boundaries of the OT tabernacle to now engulf all of time, space, and our entire lives. The writer of Hebrews declares, that Christ has achieved eternal redemption, entering the Most Holy Place by his own blood, ‘so that we may serve [latreuo] the living God!’28. Unhindered. And unencumbered. Paul asserts: ‘offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship.’29 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, in everything we do we shall worship God. This is the great paradigm shift of the New Covenant that we must embrace – the sacred institution of worship overflowing as it were boundlessly into the whole experience of life.

(To speak of a church meeting as ‘time for worship’, ‘worship meeting’ or ‘coming together to worship’, and to call someone a ‘worship leader’ can be misleading if we forget this: Worship is all the time, and all time is worship.)

Expressed Together

With the background of an all-encompassing worship as a lifestyle, when Christians gather to read the Word, pray, or sing, we are expressing our worship through the vehicles of words and songs. On one hand we receive God’s Word and the Sacraments – reminding ourselves of God’s holiness and greatness as well as His mercy and sacrificial love. (Hence Bible reading and good preaching is essential, and adequate preparation of the heart is vital. We are also told to ‘teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.’30 Paul recognizes that the songs we sing are a powerful medium of instruction. We teach one another as we sing!) On the other hand we respond with prayer and praise – expressing our deepest, heartfelt response of remorse over our sins, thankfulness for His mercy, praise for His greatness, surrender to His Lordship, adoring Him and delighting in His love. (Hence orderly and well-conducted services are vital.) Oh, that our worship will grow – both the sacrifice our bodies as well as fruit of our lips. May we live such worshipful lives so that our praise is so much more meaningful, and may we sing so passionately as to overflow into all our living.

CONCLUSION

We were made for worship – to enjoy God’s fellowship and glorify Him in joyful service. We are, as Israel was, redeemed and saved to worship. Christ restores and maintains our fellowship with Him through His perfect atoning sacrifice. Breaking all boundaries, worship engulfs our entire lives so that we may worship him in the totality of our lives. Such truths must compel us also to worship Him exuberantly as a congregation. Until when in heaven we will with every tribe and nation fall before His throne and worship31:

Salvation belongs to our God,
who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb.
Praise and glory
and wisdom and thanks and honor
and power and strength
be to our God for ever and ever.
Amen!

1 Deut 4:15-16
2 Gen 2:2-3
3 Deut 12:10, Jos 1:13
4 Matt 11:29
5 Heb 4:9-11
6 Rev 14:13
7 Gen 1:28
8 Exo 3:12, 4:23, 7:16, 8:1, 8:20, 9:1, 9:13, 10:3
9 Lev 1:1-6:7
10 Lev 6:8-7:38
11 Lev 17:11, Gen 9:4
12 Lev 9:1-24, Lev 16
13 Heb 10:10, 10:19, 13:10-11, Rom 8:3
14 Isa 53:10, Heb 9:13-14; 1Pe 1:19
15 Eph 5:2
16 Heb 10:10-14
17 Heb 10:19-22
18 Rom 3:25
19 John 1:14
20 John 6:35, John 4:14, John 8:12
21 Rom 3:25, 1 Jn 2:2, 4:10
22 Heb 10:10-14
23 Rom 5:1-2
24 Rom 12:1
25 Heb 13:15
26 Ps 95:6-7
27 Heb 9:10
28 Heb 9:14
29 Rom 12:1
30 Col 3:16, Eph 5:19
31 Rev 7:9-12

Journeying from Eden to Heaven

2006-06-05T22:50:00.000+08:00

'Journeying from Eden to Heaven' was delivered at the Headstart Leaders' Spiritual Retreat, 16-18 September 2005. It is part 4 in a series of 4 reflections under the title 'Come Away With Me'.

Medical textbooks are rife with definitions of pain. The American Society of Anesthesiologists define it as an unpleasant sensory or emotional experience, associated with actual or potential damage, or described in the terms of such damage. You mean like a slap in the face, or a dagger in the heart? Nice.

Life is painful. There is no escaping it. At best we are making things bearable. Antibiotics, air-conditioning, clean water – all have made living a little better, but there is no running away from the pain of being alive.

Since the day we were expunged from Eden, nothing about being alive is pain-free. We have lost the the easy care-free joy of abundance, and enjoying all of creation as a gift – everything we need we have to sweat and bleed for. We no longer enjoy the unbroken fellowship with our Creator, and all our relationships are marred with jealousy, anger, self-centred demands. The same fallen people populate churches, so it is no mystery that we have problems there, if not more glaringly so. But though we have been banished from Eden, Eden has never left our bosoms. We will always be homesick for a better reality and our best technology and psychotherapy will not end suffering.

Every day is painful – waking up is hard, clients are hard, bosses are worse. Small things hurt us – a snigger, an unreturned phone call, unreciprocated smile. Just when we thought we got things together, something big comes along and whops us on the side of the head – a close relative dies, you crash your car, a lawyer sends you a threatening letter. Shit happens. Murphy’s law works overtime. If we are honest with ourselves, though, the greatest pain of all is loneliness. And we are all lonely. Deeply, achingly, intractably lonely.

None of our aspirations for spiritual advancement get very far because all our neat formulas and plans simply fall apart. Our progress is derailed. Our attentions are diverted to self-preservation. Our joy is sapped and life becomes dreary and mere survival is all we can hope for.

As a physician, I appreciate what pain does for the patient. Without it, patients would never turn up to have their medical condition investigated. The pattern of pain tells us the likely cause. And pain gives us a useful way to monitor the severity of the problem and how it's responding to our treatment.

I can see two major schools of thought in approaching psychological/emotional pain in Christian circles. One – is to deny it, steel yourself with verses about faith and the pure joy of trials and march on like good Christian soldiers singing ‘It’s a happy day’ all the way. Crabb remarks: ‘common in fundamentalist circles, (this approach) crushes the soul under the weight of academic truth and proud obedience.’ The second – is to palliate it. Find every possible means to relieve our pain. Indulge our desires, enjoy the creaturely comforts, furnish our homes with pretty things and taste the best this world has to offer. Neither are in touch with reality. No amount of denial will take away suffering, and no amount of partying will satisfy our hungers.

Larry Crabb in his insightful book, ‘Finding God’, shows us we have a choice to make: either we try to rebuild/recapture Eden in our lives, or make our pilgrimage towards Heaven. He contrasts Lamech and Enoch, both the 7th generation progeny of Cain and Abel. He says:
‘Lamech declared: “I will build my city! I want my pleasures now.” Enoch said: “I will build God’s kingdom! And trust God to one day build a city for me to enjoy.” Because God cares deeply about his children, many times he chooses to relieve our suffering and solve our problems. But because his love is.. rooted in what he knows is best for us, he provides us with something more interesting to live for than ourselves. He catches us up in the supernatural reality of living for an eternal kingdom.’

David Seamands tells us to 'choose our pain' - the pain of grumbling and fighting it, or the pain of understanding it and allowing God to do his healing work and propel us towards heaven. Henri Nouwen suggests that we turn pain from an enemy into a friend. Instead of pouring all our efforts into eliminating pain as quickly as possible, we can befriend it, listen to it, and let it speak to us of our deepest need and of God's presence in our pain. That way, both our highest pleasures and deepest pain point us forward to God and Heaven. A fantastic Mamak Rojak or Thai dish becomes a foretaste of glory, driving me forward, not an obsession with the world, cementing my feet in a perishing world. The most teeth-grinding of hurts and frustrations propel me to look further, they become engines of growth and not excuses for narcissistic self massage.

C.S. Lewis once said: ‘If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.’ We have a greater purpose than fixing this life, it is to know God and enjoy Him. Pardon for our sin is more important than immediate healing for our pain. The chief end of man is to glorify him, it is not the chief end of God to gratify man. Our focus must shift from finding ourselves or making life better, to finding God who is constantly chasing after us.

The lessons of David and Job teach us that. Pain is the ever-present vehicle that drives us to our God. The equation is not about how much pain we suffered vs how much relief/deliverance we received. It is about how much of our unbelief is eroded and how much of God we come to know for ourselves. But these lessons begin with brutal honesty. We must dare to ask, ‘Where are you God when it hurts? What kind of God are you to allow this kind of pain in my life? Why should I worship you?’ Who knows how he will answer you.

The invitation to ‘Come… with me by yourselves and rest for awhile’ is repeated over and over again in our lives – that we find rest. Rest from the abdicating distractions and anxieties of the world. Rest from the paralyzing sins of our past. Rest from the illusions of who we really are. Yet our ultimate rest is in heaven – where there will be no weeping or crying. Every little Sabbath we take is a small step towards the great Sabbath Rest. And while this journey is often bitterly painful, it is precisely this pain that drives us forward and enlarges our hearts for the Lover of our souls.

Reflection & Dialog:
1. What are the biggest sources of pain in your life?
2. What do they tell you about yourself, your needs, your passions/commitments?
3. Come to God with your pain and speak honestly with Him about it.

Part 1 - The Tragedy of Restlesness
Part 2 - Coming into the Present
Part 3 - Return to the True Self
Part 4 - Journeying from Eden to Heaven

Return to the True Self

2006-06-05T22:47:00.000+08:00

'Return to the True Self' was delivered at the Headstart Leaders' Spiritual Retreat, 16-18 September 2005. It is part 3 in a series of 4 reflections under the title 'Come Away With Me'.

While we reenter the present in terms of time and place, we also need to come back to our true selves in person. We are getting ourselves reoriented in time, place and person, so to speak. The reason is if we are not ourselves, who are we, and how can we relate to God from a false substitute? The true self remains restless to be found.

We are often so caught up in pleasing our clients, our bosses, our spouses, and our parents that we don’t know why we do what we do anymore. We lose ourselves to the opinion of others. The demands of making it has put us on a treadmill of improving our salary, investing in our security, and amassing things – from little trinkets and gadgets to houses and cars. We have become what we own. We pride ourselves in our abilities to lead, manage, produce results – we soon become what we can do.

The false self, or ‘old man’ of the Bible, is the who we are apart from God. From birth, our existence is marred with pain and loneliness. However, as we grow up, the wrong message is unintentionally whispered in to us: ‘If you… I will love you…’ If we finish our food, our parents will love us. If we do well in school, they will love us. If we go to university and succeed in life, the will love us. If I own the swankiest bike, my friends will love me. If I show great leadership, my colleagues will adore me. Advertisements and billboards scream to us: ‘Buy this, do that, look good, you haven’t truly lived until…’ And so it goes on and on throughout life till our entire person is constructed on these things.

We have lost our true selves on the altar of popularity, possessions and power. Our true inner man who IS, complete and real, apart from any of these external things have been snuffed out when we exchange our true identity with these things.

How do we now unlearn and deconstruct the very fabric our lives. How do we reclaim our authenticity and personhood? How do we come home from floating around as ghosts pleasing others, amassing things, and trying to do greater things?

The before and after of Jesus’ temptation in the wilderness is instructive:
Forty days of starvation and desolation, Jesus was vulnerable. When we are lonely and weary, we want to feed ourselves with things, with affection, and with power.

When the devil tempted Jesus to turn stone into bread, He rejected it saying, ‘Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.’ To grab for our material needs apart from God is to deny that all creation is God’s and a gift to us. When we give in, we make the pursuit of things greater than the pursuit of the Creator. We want our worth in things we can see.

When the devil tempted Jesus with all the kingdoms of the world, with authority and splendor, here was a quick means to popularity – Jesus could build his empire and have the world worship him at his feet. He replied, ‘Worship the Lord your God and serve Him only.’ We want our worth in what people think of us. But for Jesus only how the Father looks to him mattered, the opinion of others/the world was meaningless.

Finally, Jesus was tempted to display His greatness once and for all by free-fall diving and a supernatural stunt in view of the whole city. If am God’s Son, and I am loved as He says I am, I will surely be delivered in spectacular fashion! But Jesus replied: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’ There was absolutely no need to prove himself and his worth in God’s eyes. We want our worth in the power we have, in our abilities and achievements – Jesus saw his worth only in the Father’s eyes.

We need to recover our real identity of the Beloved, who IS, in the safe place of God’s presence. Jesus shows us how. Before the temptation, God had spoken in a voice at the Jordan: ‘You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.’ And this was way before he had done anything. He was a mere carpenter’s son who had not even preached his first sermon, healed his first sick, or performed any miracles. Experiencing our belovedness and seeing our true selves in God’s eyes makes us complete, lacking nothing.

Secondly, even IN the wilderness – when the euphoria has faded, when there was no one to affirm us, no things to remind us of what we have, no support base to encourage us – Jesus quoted Scripture. Basil Pennington says: ‘Here we have an antidote to the false self: a daily feeding, a steady immersion into the Word of God. When we are daily fed by the Word of God, when it nourishes us and nurtures us, it forms our mind and heart in the Truth. It uncovers and peels away, one by one, the deceptions of the false self. It grounds us in the Truth and enables us to discern, in the light of that Truth our true selves in.. our relationship with God…’

If the institution of the Sabbath teaches us anything it is this: we ARE complete and fully alive, even apart from our work. We can assure ourselves that when we stop – we don’t cease from existing, we don’t cease to live. When God stopped on the 7th day, He did not cease to be the God he was before he created. When Jesus refused the things, power and popularity offered by Satan, he didn’t cease to be the Beloved. I AM, and I can JUST BE. Just Be-ing is a lost art today. Solitude helps us restore our identity apart from work. The more we are able to let go, the more of God we can have, and the less of things do we need!

The key is to replace our false self-view with God’s true view of us. Accepting God’s acceptance of us is a lifetime of unlearning and relearning. Being authentic with one another, embracing our ordinariness, not trying to be someone else – we bloom and find joy in who we are, warts and pimples all the same. In stillness and in God’s presence we can truly say: ‘Nothing is important, I need nothing else – only God. Only God.’

Reflection and Dialog:
1. How important is others’ opinion of you – in the workplace, at home, in church?
2. What are some things you feel you must have or achieve to be have ‘made it’?
3. What steps will you take to find the Sabbath-Rest?

Part 1 - The Tragedy of Restlesness
Part 2 - Coming into the Present
Part 3 - Return to the True Self
Part 4 - Journeying from Eden to Heaven

Coming into the Present

2006-06-05T22:40:00.000+08:00

'Coming into the Present' was delivered at the Headstart Leaders' Spiritual Retreat, 16-18 September 2005. It is part 2 in a series of 4 reflections under the title 'Come Away With Me'.

One of the reasons we are REST-LESS, is that we are often not in the present. We are too caught up regretting the past and worrying about the future that we cannot live in the present moment. We may be reading our Bible or praying, but our hearts are somewhere else – the unsolved problems at work, the difficulties in your relationships, etc.

The first question God ever asked Adam & Eve after they sinned, was: ‘Where are you?’ Shame over the past and fear of the future abdicates our souls from the present. We are no longer able to live in the present and we have been fleeing God ever since. They could not ‘walk with God in the cool of the evening’ as they used to.

How can we possibly enter God’s rest, if we are not even here? God is in the present, God is here, and we can only meet Him here and now. How much of our life is wasted being all over the place, bouncing back and forth between the past and the future, but never settling in the present?

Coming away with Jesus means to enter into the present and to enlarge the moment. We have to be able to let go of the past and stop worrying about the future and come to God, saying: ‘I am here.’ When we are in touch with the Eternal One, time seems to stop for us, and we step out of time for a while. Time then is no longer about minutes and hours but about love and meaning.

Henri Nouwen in his book, ‘Here and Now’, says: ‘the real enemies of our life are the “oughts” and the “ifs.” They pull us backward into the unalterable past and forward into the unpredictable future. But real life takes place in the here and the now. God is a God of the present. God is always in the moment, be that moment hard or easy, joyful or painful.’

But how do we let go of the past? The past is full of regrets. Things we should’ve done and should not have done. The shame of our sins cripples us, and we are filled with self-loathe or imprisoned in self-hate. When we hate ourselves we will hate the world. When we can’t forgive ourselves we can’t forgive anyone else. The past continues to haunt us.

The really good news of the good news is that there is a way out. When David kept silent, his bones wasted away. Guilt festered, his loneliness intensified, and the anguish was destroying him. He said: ‘When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD"-- and you forgave the guilt of my sin.’ (Psalm 32:3).

The key to freedom is disclosure and forgiveness. Receiving forgiveness enables us to forgive others. That is the point of the parable of the unforgiving slave (Matt 18:23-30).When we have been given unlimited forgiveness, we can also freely forgive. Canceling others’ debts to us is a choice we make, and sometimes a long-drawn process, but it is for our freedom that we release others. We certainly need more grace in our churches – we need help relieve the burden of Christian perfectionism, and not find ways to replace the sting of death with more guilt and legalism.

The uncertainties of the future paralyse us through fear. We are afraid – of failing, of losing something or someone. But Jesus insists that the ‘anxieties and worries’ of this life only choke us. They will asphyxiate our lifeline with God and retard our progress spiritually until we face our fears. David devotes countless psalms to fear – often for his own life, over injustice, betrayal, false witness, and even God’s judgement. But each time, he finds deliverance in the goodness of God and ‘taking refuge’ (over 43 times). Pride keeps us from ‘humbling ourselves,’ and ‘casting our anxieties on Him.’ (1 Pet 5:6-7)

Finally, we need to cultivate a sense of awareness. We learn that the only time we can experience life and God is now. We reenter the moment. With simple disciplines we learn to be aware of ourselves and God who has always been there. We learn to breathe again. Chew our food. Smell the grass. Let the simplest day-to-day experiences arrest us and penetrate our beings with the Presence of God that is there. We need only to come home into the present.

Reflection and dialog:
1. What deep regrets, hurts or fears do you have? How do they impair your relationship with God?
2. Confess, receive His forgiveness and ask for grace to forgive those who have wronged you.
3. Have there been moments that when you felt God’s immanent presence? Share that moment.

Recommended Reading: Here and Now, Living in the Spirit by Henri Nouwen

Part 1 - The Tragedy of Restlesness
Part 2 - Coming into the Present
Part 3 - Return to the True Self
Part 4 - Journeying from Eden to Heaven

The Tragedy of Restlesness

2006-06-04T23:52:00.000+08:00

"The Tragedy of Restlesness" was delivered at the Headstart Leaders' Spiritual Retreat, 16-18 September 2005. It is part 1 in a series of 4 reflections under the title 'Come Away With Me'.

If I were to ask you to just rest and do nothing all of today, what will you do? Grab a newspaper, turn on the TV, logon the web, maybe do some shopping or balance your accounts? If I told you, your food & clothing for all of this year is taken care of – what will you do with your life? Book a holiday? Climb the Himalayas? Read all the books you’ve bought in the last year? The tragedy of our ultra-modern life is there simply is no time for rest, and even if there was – we no longer know how to.

Our culture is such that we are constantly distracted – by ads, news flashes, SMS-es, latest movie releases, etc. We have made life so zippingly fast-paced, that we can’t catch up with ourselves any more. Anything we do, buy, read today is obsolete by the time we lay hands on it – somebody is inventing something better right now, a new discovery is being published today, the way you operate has been superceded by a smarter method. Sadly, though we are so breathless playing catch-up trying to stay focussed we no longer know what is rest much less how to get it.

At a time when we need to recover our humanity and meaning the most, we are swept away by a tide of artificial substitutes. Hollywood, MTV, the tourism and food industry make sure of that. What entertainment and every kind of sensual indulgence offers is a quick-fix, temporary relief, fleeting moments of pleasurable but imaginary escape which leaves us only more hungry, empty and lonely than before. But then, we’ve got to get back to work – who has time to think about it?

In a similar situation of exhaustion and starvation, Jesus, recognising the urgent need for recovery and nourishment intervened:
‘"Come away by yourselves to a lonely place and rest a while." (For there were many people coming and going, and they did not even have time to eat.) And they went away in the boat to a lonely place
by themselves. (Mark 6:31-32, NASB)’

I love the passage for what it doesn’t say as much as what it does. Jesus doesn’t say, ‘Go away for awhile and come back ready to work again.’ He doesn’t send you away only when you are fatigued beyond use, and for the sole purpose of rehabilitating the workforce. And it isn’t one of those company motivation and indoctrination retreats just to make you more aggressive and productive.

The invitation is threefold: it is to ‘come away’ (NASB) – drawing away/detaching ourselves from the work when it has become damaging to the soul. Work itself is not the enemy, it is when work has overtaken the heart that perspective sorely needs to be restored. There are warning signs and we must learn to recognise them.

Secondly it is to ‘come with me’ (NIV) – a leaving of the things that have robbed you of your inner joy and tunneled your spiritual vision, to return to the real heart, purpose and goal of our lives, Jesus.

And thirdly, for a good reason: ‘they had no leisure so much as to eat’ (KJV). No leisure, so much as to eat! This rendition in the KJV makes a sharp point and Maslow would be quick to point out – that if the disciples were so consumed by the work they couldn’t even eat, you can imagine how spiritually and emotionally starved they must have already become.

We will explore in further sessions this important invitation. What are the things that erodes our lives, keeping us from our true identity and a growing intimacy with God?

In the face of massive opposition and danger, David says: ‘One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,’ but if he can’t get that, he’ll settle for just one day. ‘Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere.’ (Psalm 84:10, NIV). He makes the difficult choice of choosing, like Mary, ‘the better thing.’

In my final year of Masters, I suffered a serious health problem. I was so stressed from working on my final dissertation, and studying for the exit exams, and leading a church, and speaking in the student CF, I developed peptic ulcer disease that required large doses of opioids for pain-relief. In that difficult period going through gastroscopies, ultrasounds and drug therapy – I discovered I also had gallstones and fatty deposits in the liver. I was obese, and the repressed stress had been burning away at my stomach lining. I was forced to work through the deeper issues at work. By God’s grace and much, much love from my wife and others around me, I soon realised I was chronically depressed, easily irritable, quietly bitter and prone to rage. Compulsive overeating was one of the complications of my masked depression. Coming to terms with my adrenaline addiction and stress-burnout pattern, I learnt some crucial skills for early recognition and intervention. The first few months were tough-going, subjecting myself to rigid monitoring and journaling my feelings, but in time the hard labor bore fruits of much peace, improved relationships, and best of all – I lost 20kgs of weight!

You may not have come to such serious consequences of stress-burnout in your life, but we all need to learn the skills of recognizing it, hearing Jesus’ invitation to ‘come away’ and give ourselves permission to rest. We need to move from denial, through anger (blaming everyone else for our restlessness), to acceptance (that we need rest), to change (taking responsibility for getting rest.)

Reflection and dialog:
1. Have you suffered burnout recently?
2. What steps led to it? What were its consequences for you?
3. Were there early signs of stress and burnout for you?
4. What steps do you need to take to ‘give yourself permission’ to rest – do you have difficulty doing that?

Recommended reading: Unmasking Male Depression, by Archibald D. Hart

Part 1 - The Tragedy of Restlesness
Part 2 - Coming into the Present
Part 3 - Return to the True Self
Part 4 - Journeying from Eden to Heaven

Pride and Humility

2006-05-22T14:07:00.000+08:00

This sermon was delivered at Ampang Gospel Centre on 21 May 2006

‘There is perhaps no one of our natural passions so hard to subdue as pride. Beat it down, stifle it, mortify it as much as one pleases, it is still alive. Even if I could conceive that I had completely overcome it, I should probably be proud of my humility. - Benjamin Franklin, from his autobiography.

We are all familiar with the wise sayings: ‘Pride Comes Before A Fall’, or ‘The Bigger They Are, The Harder They Fall’ warning us not to get ahead of ourselves. The proverbial squirrel who ‘Pandai pandai… melompat, akhirnya jatuh ke bumi jua’ reminds us not to be too clever. As an obese 12-yr old, I once heard my headmaster speak aloud his wish that our school badminton team might win an inter-school tournament. I stupidly muttered, ‘Fat Hopes!’ Disgusted, he looked me in the eye and said, ‘It is you who are fat. They are the hope.’ I was duly humbled.

But what is pride really? How are we set free from pride? Is it even possible in this lifetime?

Pride vs Humility

Paul exhorts us to ‘do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.’

The Bible has many words for pride in various contexts -primarily in relation to God but also with man. Collectively they describe the nature of pride, its consequences and its relation to sin. To be proud is to have a presumptuous self-confidence – I can do everything on my own. A refusal to consider God or others – it doesn’t matter what God says or what others think, a failure to respond to God – when God calls or instructs we refuse Him. To deny that we are created beings before a Creator – we put ourselves at the center of the Universe, everything revolves around me. To deny the authority of the Word and an insensitivity to others – who cares how others feel, as long as I am satisfied.

Pride results in disgrace – how often have been humiliated by something we said or did when we refused the advise of others. In quarrels – it could be argued that every fight starts with stubbornly sticking to our own opinion and not considering others’ views. Destruction, jealousy, anger, factions, slander, and gossip or many others. Pride is the root of sin when Adam and Eve decided they knew better than God and went against His prescribed orders. Satan is Satan because in pride he wanted to be God himself. Paul teaches us in Romans that we degenerate into ever increasing sin because we first disavow God and refuse to bow to the Creator. The ultimate result is death and judgment.

Deut 1:42-43 is a fitting illustration. We read that the Israelites practically march OUT of the will of God and into destruction. Every act of pride is exactly like that - walking out of the good and perfect will of God, persisting in our own way, and ending up in trouble.

Humility is the exact opposite. To be humble is to respond to God immediately, to recognize His authority, to have a childlike dependence and responsiveness to God, to honor others before ourselves and to look to others interests. The consequences of humility is honor and wisdom. Jesus humility was the root of His obedience taking up the Cross. And the result of our humbling ourselves before God is to be saved. Pride and humility are opposites and mutually exclusive so that they cancel out one another.

Mission Impossible

Because Christ has saved us, we are called to be ‘transformed in our minds’. In Romans 12:1-2, we are told to ‘be not conformed to the world, but be transformed in our minds so that we may test and approve what is the good and perfect will of God.’ In the same passage we are told not to think more highly of ourselves than we ought, and to honor others before ourselves.

How are we to be transformed from an attitude of pride to one of humility? Shall we work at it – let’s BE HUMBLE. Screw up our resolve and perform great acts of humility? Shall we say, From today onwards I will be the humblest person in church. I will come one hour earlier and arrange all the chairs and sweep the floor every week. I will always speak lowly of myself, and praise everybody else. Everytime someone praises me I will screw up my face in this pathetic, meek form and keep saying, ‘O it was not me, it was God. Praise God only. Hallelujah.’ And what do we expect at the end of that great performance, ‘The Humblest Christian of The Month Award’?

Sometimes we resort to such shallow attempts at humility and they betray the fact that ‘attaining humility’ is a paradox, impossible apart from God.

Notice how both in the passage from Philippians and Romans, Paul doesn’t tell us to strive at being humble.

Humility simply cannot be gained by trying. It is unattainable in the sense that you cannot strive for it like you train for a race. The harder you try, the more proud you become. The moment you think, ‘maybe today I am humbler’, you have just thought a proud thought. Humility is not achieved, it emerges through the death of self. Because pride is the over-expression of SELF above God and others, humility can only emerge in the undoing of SELF. Have you ever TRIED to go to sleep? Have you noticed that the harder you try – count sheep, think serene thoughts, relax your body, whatever – the harder it takes to sleep? Paradoxically humility, like sleep comes without you trying but by letting go.

Humility also cannot happen in a vacuum. In fact it has no meaning apart from a relationship. We are humble UNTO someone – to God and to people around us. Humility abdicates the throne, and moves away from being in the center. God and others take priority over ourselves. The Way of Humility is best learnt in Christ’s example.

The Way of Christ

Paul in Phil 2:1-11, exhorts the Philippians to ‘do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves’ and points to Christ. ‘Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ,' he says. If we are to learn humility, it is to walk the way of Christ. What were those attitudes? Those orientations that defined the whole way Christ lived and died? It seems to me to be summed up in these three declarations. ‘He made himself nothing,’ ‘taking on the very nature of a servant,’ and ‘became obedient to death’.

‘He made himself nothing.’ He emptied himself of every right and privilege accorded to man, much less the honors of being God. Our entire journey on earth may be just for the undoing of the Self-Centred Self. Until we become thoughtless about ourselves. When we no longer have a need to consider ourselves and fret about every hair in place, every button, every step. O how miserable is a life filled with self-concern and self-obsession. Jesus spoke rightly about the anxieties of this world choking us. Haven’t we tasted ineffable joy when our every thought and concern was for another? When we became lost in the love for someone else and my own small world became unimportant, if just for a second? He considered not equality with God something to be grasped – He who rightly is the center of the universe, came off the throne to show the way of eternal life. Of the real joy and meaning of existence – being nothing. The pure in heart will see God.

‘Taking the very nature of a servant.’ ‘The son of man came not to be served but to serve.’ Jesus showed us how to live meaningfully – emptying himself of self-interest he filled himself with loving service of others. Serving others sets us free like nothing else can. All our self-assertive talk about freedom and rights often lead us only into greater captivity – an enslavement to ourselves and to our ego/self-will. But there is nothing more beautiful than a person who has no thought of himself, but only the interests of others. To embrace the needs of others is to declare that I have everything I need in Christ. By serving we do not ‘lose face’ but affirm our richness and glory in Christ. Servanthood sets us free from ourselves, and sets us free to embrace everything else – not least, God. Not clutching on to ourselves, our hands are open to receive. The meek shall inherit the earth.

‘He humbled himself and became obedient to death.’ He died. One could not let go of Self more than to lay down one’s own life. It is the essence of true humility – not an appearance of lowliness, not a token helpfulness to others, not a charitable disposition. But a disciplined determination to DIE. We will all die, but will we die well? Someone once said that we seem to live as though we will never die, and we die as though we have never lived. Christ shows the only kind of living and dying considered worthwhile is to live knowing we will die for others and die knowing that we have lived for others. Christ also taught us the meaning of death – it is the last and greatest gift in a life of serving. To cling no longer to this world, to one’s own rights and comforts, to hold nothing of my own life precious.

Humility by far the hardest virtue to attain because paradoxically we cannot attain it by trying. It is also painfully difficult because every step we take in the direction of humility, we go against the very grain of our human nature. Our sinful nature will not go to the grave quietly, it kicks and screams – ‘My way!’ Our intrinsic drive to achieve, to be independent from God, to attain our own world will oppose us every step of the way. So daily we must choose the Cross. To be emptied. To serve. To die. We humble ourselves before God – saying, Here I am, I am your servant, be it unto me as you will – and in due time he lifts us up, taking us up in his good and perfect will. We choose brokenness – welcoming every opportunity that breaks our hardened hearts , and obscurity – preferring to be hidden and unknown, and in so doing we walk the way of Christ and find the complete freedom that is fellowship with Christ.

Discovering God's Will

2005-06-22T23:15:00.000+08:00

This was delivered as a sermon at Ampang Gospel Centre on June 19, 2005. Many thanks to AGC for inviting me.

Should I marry him/her? What course should I study? Which job should I take? Is it right for me to watch this movie? When was the last time you asked such questions? Are you asking one now? Life is full of choices and crossroads, wouldn’t it be easy if God just told us what to do? There are few questions in a Christian’s life more fraught with frustration than this confusing thing about Discovering God’s Will. Twenty years into being called a Christian, I have to admit I have no idea how to (discover God's will).

But I do know that I can be asking the wrong questions, for the wrong reasons, and without knowing what I'm really asking for.

The wrong reasons for asking

Struggling to figure God’s will we often deceive ourselves. Praying, ‘Lord, what is your will for me?’ we actually mean, ‘God this is too hard a choice, you make it for me.’ My wife does that to me all the time: ‘Darling, should I cut my hair? Darling, does this dress look nice on me?’ Any man, who has been in a relationship long enough, knows not to fall into this trap. The best answer is ‘Up to you darling, you look great either way.’ Rather than do the hard work of making choices and facing their consequences, we try the easy way out. And if it doesn’t go so well – well, it’s His fault!

There are also those of us who are eternally self-doubting. Insecure about our relationship with God, we keep asking, ‘God, is this your will for me?’ because we are never sure if God approves of us. We are always looking for ways to prove our worth to Him. We keep trying harder and finding new ways, and to earn God’s love. Driven by fear and insecurity we keep busy but it is never enough.

But Who am I? We are ‘sons of the Most High’, not slaves of the evil taskmaster. God said to Jesus, ‘You are my Beloved’ at the Jordan, before He even preached his first sermon or performed his first miracle. He didn’t have to do anything to be the Beloved, and neither do we. We are sons, not slaves. We are the Beloved of God. You and I need not keep a list of do’s and don’t’s. Rules and rituals offer a false sense of safety at the high price of our freedom. Paul says to the Galatians, ‘Who has bewitched you?.. Did you receive the Spirit by observing the law, or by believing…? Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?’1

Before we ask what is God's will, let's first ask, who am I to God?

The wrong questions to ask

There are no short-cuts in life’s journey. Joseph’s own roller-coaster story of betrayal after betrayal only finds vindication toward the end. One would expect him to be bitter and resentful, not least towards God. But without much direct ‘guidance’ from heaven, Joseph kept his integrity and faith. Whether in jail or in Pharoah’s court he blesses everyone he comes in contact with. How does he do it?

Perhaps the crushing of a man yields the sweetest grace? Perhaps by 'losing his life' he has gained it? His ego and ambitions destroyed, he was set free to be what he was called to be. Joseph confesses at the end that ‘God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance… it was not you who sent me here, but God.’2 Rid of his childhood pride, and clearly having forgiven, God’s purposes had become his own.

Trials help us discover who God is in our lives and define our calling. It is only in darkness that we look for the light, only when we’re lost do we find a way. God’s high purposes for us makes ‘safety guidelines’ redundant. ‘Dying to what once bound us, we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit, and not in the old way of the written code,’3 explains Paul to the Romans. Nhat Hanh, speaking of this same freedom says: ‘People think it is impossible to establish a system of ethics without referring to good and evil. But clouds float, flowers bloom, and wind blows. What need have they for a distinction between good and evil? Life is lived just as the wind blows, clouds drift, and flowers bloom. When you know how to fly, you don't need a street map.’4

Why ask what is Your will when you can ask, who are You and what is Your purpose for me?

Am I ready for an answer?

There is no doubt that God DOES guide us. He says: ‘I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you.’5 He has ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’6

But do we ask for our own indulgence or for the glory of God and the His Kingdom? For, it is the ‘pure in heart who will see God.’7 You will hardly expect God to reveal to you something you have no intention in obeying! We must listen to God with our whole being, listening not for knowledge, but with the will to choose His will, and a body to act on it. That is the meaning of obedience (Latin, oboedire - 'to listen.')8. When we ask for His will, let us be like Mary who listens that she may obey: ‘I am the Lord's servant, may it be to me as you have said.’

The hardest choices are not about what to do and where to go. In the final analysis it is my will against God’s. Until we let go of our hardened self-will and crucify it at the Cross, we will always be miserable. Jesus died that we may be free from self and sin. When we take the cup and the bread, we reaffirm our own death. Realising this, Merton said: ‘I was free. I had recovered my liberty. I belonged to God, not to myself: and to belong to Him is to be free, free of all the anxieties and worries and sorrows that belong to this earth, and the love of the things that are in it…. The only thing that mattered was the fact of the sacrifice, the essential dedication of one's self, one's will. The rest was only accidental’9

Don't miss the adventure!

From the revelation of Abraham to Jesus, God’s greatest goal for us is Himself. To Abraham, God said: ‘Do not be afraid,.. I am your shield, your very great reward.’10 Jesus said: ‘Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.’11 Life should be as exciting as a mystery novel – you know it’s going to have a great ending but you’ll never guess how it gets there. And God isn't about to spoil it for us by horroscope-like answers. (If you've had a thriller movie ruined by someone who reveals the plot at every turn, you'll know that I mean.) Our craving for signs betrays our lack of security in God than a sincere need to know.

Every bit of life is precious – the ups and the downs, the good and the bad, the successes and the failures – I wouldn’t trade them for any kind of quick answers. God is more interested in us finding Him, knowing Him and loving Him then in getting every step of life perfectly right. Let’s first come to a full assurance of who we are, grasp His purpose for us, and cultivate a heart of obedience firmly in place. In all things, He is our sure and present Guide.

1. NIV. Galatians 3:1-3. Holy Bible: Zondervan Press.
2. NIV. Genesis 45:7-8. Holy Bible: Zondervan Press.
3. NIV. Romans 7:6. Holy Bible: Zondervan Press.
4. Hanh TN. 24-25 December 1962. Fragrant Palm Leaves. New York: Riverhead Books, 1966. pp. 105.
5. NIV. Psalm 32:8-10. Holy Bible: Zondervan Press.
6. NIV. Jeremiah 29:11. Holy Bible: Zondervan Press.
7. NIV. Matthew 5:8. Holy Bible: Zondervan Press.
8. Melanie, Mike. Archive of Your Etymology Questions. http://www.takeourword.com/tiere.html
9. Merton T. Magnetic North. In McDonnell TP, ed. A Thomas Merton Reader. New York: Doubleday, 1989. pp. 132.
10. NIV. Genesis 15:1. Holy Bible: Zondervan Press.
11. NIV. John 17:3. Holy Bible: Zondervan Press.

Seeds of Hope from the Silver Screen

2005-03-30T23:26:00.000+08:00

When the lights dim and curtains part, something magical happens. Raptured into stories of joy, sorrow, triumph and disappointment,movies can change us. I remember watching the English Patient many years ago. When the credits rolled up, my legs wouldn't move. I was paralysed by the sheer poetry of the tale. The irony of love - a power that gave life to one man plunges another to his death - gripped me for a long time after.

Movies are often frowned upon for the crass materialism, libertine sexuality, and hedonism they manipulate into our minds. We rightly reject them. Yet not throwing the baby out with the water, I believe many good movies can be watched redemptively. Listening at once to the story, to ourselves and to God - we may leave enlightened and strengthened in our journey of faith.

Listening to the story

While we don't have to swallow all that is fed to us, I find movies enriching when I'm thoughtfully receptive rather than censoriously judgmental. Movies, like the world we live in, reflect the full spectrum of evils of our fallenness. We can hardly expect movies to champion 'good Christian values' ala Sunday School!

In one of my favorites, Gladiator, Maximus (Russel Crowe) is Marcus Aurelius' trusted general who later defies his murderous and tyrant son. His wife and child brutally slain, himself a wounded fugitive, he becomes a slave-warrior in Rome's Coliseum fighting for his life and freedom. Blow by blow, duel after duel, he emerges through the dust as 'Maximus the Beloved'- shadowing even the new Caesar's popularity. The fallen general remains a courageous but compassionate man throughout - albeit as a slave behind bars.

Finally, in the ultimate duel between Emperor and Gladiator, he is sent into the ring already viciously bled. In a clash nearly Messianic in proportion, he vanquishes the evil emperor with his own royal dagger and then breathes his last after crying, 'Free my men! There was a dream that was Rome that must be realized! It is the wish of Marcus Aurelius.'

As he lay lifeless in the dust, the words were spoken: 'Is Rome worth one good man's life? He believed it once; make us believe in it again.'

Movies awaken us to our captive state by highlighting our human condition. They also compel us to cry out, and sometimes give voice to our primeval yearning for God's beauty, truth and goodness. The Eden we have been banished from has not left our breasts. The Pauline trinity of faith, hope and love is so central to many stories precisely because we are image-bearers of God homesick for a better reality.

Good stories draw us to Calvary for our freedom and catapult our imagination to the new heaven and earth.

Listening to ourselves

We are emotional beings. Movies can penetrate our guarded consciousness and help us 'feel aloud' those repressed feelings we keep from breaking through. Seeing ourselves in the characters of a movie helps us explore our unfulfilled emotions, and reclaim our total experience of humanity - rational, physical, emotional and spiritual.

In Contact, Jodie Foster is Dr. Araway, a hardcore physicist whose premise for life is rejecting the scientifically unknowable and pursuing truth through the empirical. But through her persecuted search for extra-terrestrial life, she finally decodes the 'message from the sky' and is internationally backed to make an inter-stellar trip to meet it! Yet upon her return, with no proof in hand, the world mocks her unsubstantiable claims. In that moment she discovers the faith that had brought her thus far was also all that she needed.

Faith was self-justifying. She had no answers for her interrogators, but she needed none. In times of darkness, I find Dr. Araway's journey analogous to my own - fraught with doubt at every turn, sometimes faced with mocking and opposition from those closest to you. The road forward seems to get narrower and lonelier with every step. In times like these, our God-given ability to believe is all we have to put one foot ahead of the other.

With open heart

Awakenings - a heart-wrenching screenplay of Oliver Sacks' book by the same title - defined me in a way nothing else could have. It appeared in that time of my life where, as a pre-university student, I struggled to chalk the best grades for a future I couldn't decide on! Robin Williams plays Dr. Malcolm Sayer, the experimental neurologist who unsuspectingly ends up devoting his life to victims of post-encephalitic coma. In a chance discovery of the then wonder drug L-DOPA, he brings a whole ward of
statues back to life! They have a short but exciting lease at recapturing theirlost decades. They learnt from their patients to celebrate life and to nurture it even in the comatose. But alas, they are doomed to slip, through tormenting tics and fits, into a prison of catatonia again: living zombies, locked within frozen, empty stares.

I wept bitterly. I was choked by the anguish of victim and family. But I was moved most of all by the impassioned life of Dr. Sayer and his staff.

Working through the tragedy, he declares: 'We can hide behind the veil of science,.. but.. reality is we don't know what went wrong anymore than we know what went right. What we do know is as the chemical window closed, another awakening took place. The human spirit is more powerful than any drug and that is what needs to be nourished.' Unbeknownst to me, a vocation was being defined: to embroil myself passionately in lives, walk alongside the afflicted, share in their struggle to keep alive their God-breathed identity. Almost a decade now into my career as a physician, I need to watch Awakenings again - lest I forget the calling to be scientist, healer and friend.

Movies, like all things around us are burning bushes to-be. They can inspire us to travel further in our journeys and reach higher through our dreams. But we need the eyes to see. We need to grow mindful hearts to hear. Cultivate an openness to receive. Like the soil in Jesus' parable of the sower, how we till our hearts determine how well seeds of new growth take root. So, with popcorn in one hand and ticket stub in the other, movies continue to be a companion for life - images that sometimes point us to the Way, the Truth and the Life in ways we least expect.

This article was written for the Kairos magazine - Understanding Truth Through Christian Eyes. Thanks to Siew Li who pushed me to write it, and Alvin Ung who lent his editorial kung-fu to it.

In This Moment

2005-01-30T23:57:00.000+08:00

I will live
Live each day
Each hour
Each minute

Not as a means
To any end
There is no end

I will live
The moment
Cherish it, embrace it
Enter all that is

For in this
Moment I am
And in me
Is this moment

I ask nothing of it
Give nothing to it
It expects nothing
And owes me none

I gather myself
Flung afar and wasted
Scattered and poured out
In this moment

I will live
This moment given
I can BE only
In this moment (no more)
And in this moment only (no other)

All of me, truly me
Totally here and now
With no other and for none
You ARE only in this moment
And in this moment only

Holy Rest

2005-01-12T23:58:00.000+08:00

I was reading from the Bible yesterday and this passage from the Creation narrative leapt out at me.

'On the seventh day, having finished his task, God rested from all his work. And God blessed the seventh day and declared it holy, because it was the day when he rested from his work of creation.'

I'm so glad such words were written & preserved for us - the 21st century man who is ever driven & insatiable in his quest to achieve & accumulate more. For whom anything more than a TV break or game of squash is counter-productive and a waste of time.

Rest is holy! Imagine that! It runs completely antithetical to our work culture, my type A personality trait , and even many religious organizations' modus operandi.

But why did God ever need to rest? He IS after all THE Mr. Incredible of all time. All powerful and all knowing. If there was ever one being who could do everything and respond to every need, everywhere - He could. But he doesn't.

When He declared, 'It is good!' He could've gone on to say - this is pretty good work for 6 days, I must say. Why don't we go on & make another 10 cosmos just like it and I bet we could do it in less time too! This is a wholly replicable & scalable project. And hey, hey, think about it we could get these separate universes to link up and create mutually enriching enterprises. We would have enough work for eternity!

But He didn't. He stopped. He could've gone on after that, we don't know. There may be other life-sustaining systems out there and being a 'the universe is a mighty big place, and it'd be a mighty waste of space' kinda guy, I'd like to believe that. But He totally stopped for a full day, blessed it and called THAT holy.

What a mystery!

The God who has no need to replenish takes a break.
The God who is Holy calls his off day holy.
The God who has limitless creative power decides not to do anything
for a full day.

Why? To enjoy the result of His work? He already did that. To review & plan his next project? No way. I don't think God needs a reason to rest. And perhaps we don't either.

Sure there's all kinds of benefits of rest and we all need it. Stress, burnout, adrenaline addiction, depression - these are just a few of the many consequences of a life on the fast-lane. Racing down the Grand Prix circuit of life we eventually crash and hurt ourselves and people closest to us. We violate the work-rest rhythm and body-soul-spirit harmony to our own peril.

But beyond the benefits of rest, God seems to show us He doesn't need a reason to exist. He was and He is and He will always be. He doesn't exist to work, He is separate from His work and resting from it is more than OK. God IS regardless of whether He made anything. And that single day just illustrates the completeness & perfection that is God - just Being.

That is the Sabbath rest I have inherited and am invited to enter again and again. I don't need a reason to exist. I am, and I am separate from my work and I don't exist to work. Resting from work is more than OK. I have BEING regardless of whether I've achieved anything today. And to claim a single day like that just celebrates the completeness & perfection that is me & God. Regardless of which day I pick and what I do or don't do, it is about coming home to me and God.

Just Be-ing. It is as though to say, 'I am who I am and it's good to be me.'

My ME & God time is simply sacred and I want to enjoy more of that, more and more.

Incredibly Called

2004-12-14T23:59:00.000+08:00

The Incredibles was truly incredible to watch. Trust Brad Bird to write a story that's fall-off-your-seat entertaining and emotively satisfying all at once. Having given us years of irreverent Simpsons and some heart-warming work like the Fox and the Hound, Bird is a master at his craft of story-telling and irony. And what a story of ironies it is!

First there's Bob Parr, aka Mr. Incredible. A herculean hunk who files insurance claims and cramps himself into a tin can for an automobile. Then there's his wife Helen, the Elastigirl (probably inspired by Plastic Man?), a body-stretching crime-fighter now mother of two and lawkeeper at home, doing all she can to hold together their precarious existence. Dash - now that's a character I can identify with! - capable of sound-barrier-breaking speeds but whose only expression of talent is tacking teacher's butt and losing at races to conceal his abilities. And Violet, the proverbial wallflower girl whose gift of invisibility helps her fade ever more into the background. Sad?

Sad it is. Yet the irony in The Incredibles is often the irony in our own lives. We too, are often forced to go undercover. The bigger part of our life stories are chapters of confusion. We try to make sense of our station in life and make good of our calling (whatever THAT may be!) While we plod on in the doldrums of work our gifts and passions get buried in increasing layers of disillusionment and despair. We strive to make a living but never actually LIVE. Not the way we were meant to anyway.

Our gifts may not necessarily be the popular ones, or sensational like superhuman strength or subsonic speed. But in big or small ways, the one who stands against the norms, who dares to make a difference, and hold on to the Truth against opposition is the real hero. The real hero is the one who exercises faith, believing when all around have given up. Who exercises hope, giving everyone the courage to press on against all odds. And the one who will continue loving no matter how much it hurts. Faith, hope and love - sounds familiar?

I believe there's a hero waiting to be set free in each of us.

I guess that's why I had to fight the urge to jump and cheer when Elastigirl blew up into a parachute bringing Dash & Violet to safety. Or when Dash whirred his feet to propel the boat that was his mother and run flaming circles round his captors. And when Violet bubbled up her force field for the first time, shielding everyone from the onslaught of heavy fire. I found myself rooting for these undercovers breaking loose and rejoicing in their moment of triumph. But it's not just the triumph of good over evil that fired up my heart. Or the good guys giving the bad guys a sound thumping that gave me satisfaction.

No, I find it was their triumph over internal obstacles that satisfied the most. When they find the joy of finally doing what they were made to do. When their outer blows were aligned to their inner passion to give to the world what they were given. When they broke free of their self-imposed bars telling them to be less than what they could be. When faith, hope and love brought Purpose and Passion together.

Well, maybe I'm just a die-hard fan of the superhero-comic genre, trying to derive meaning from a fantastic animation flick. But while I am trying to make sense of my job, ever trying to move from career to calling, the Incredibles are my heroes for this moment in time. In a world of little hope, this production goes down as a classic for me. As John Schuster says in his book, Answering the Call, it is in the time of doldrums and meaninglesness that we must mightily believe that we are called to a deeper purpose and pursue that with all our hearts.

Bread and Wine

2004-11-14T00:00:00.000+08:00

I've taken the communion meal more times than I can count. I've taken it in so many ways - big fluffy loaves, tiny wafer biscuits the size of a watch face, slices of Gardenia torn to a hundred bits, or Hup Seng cream crackers - you name it, I've had it. Whether its Ribena, Australian red wine or Fanta grape - served in silver chalices, plastic Yomeishu cups, or from a packet grape drink - I've downed it with vigor. I've served it, been served it, and said my marriage vows with it. I've done it at the altar, in ramshackle beach chalets, and on a cold tin roof of a car under the starlit sky. But in whatever form or occasion it's come to me, it has never ceased to do its 'magic'.

Each and every time the bread and the cup comes to me, powerful truths become real - sinking in and permeating my being like the flavours of the bread and the fragrant warmth of wine (or sweetness of Ribena!)

I like to take my time with the bread. Savouring its goodness, extracting every morsel of spiritual reality. The bread is about who I am - a broken vessel, a fragile loaf shred in pieces. Broken by sin. Damaged and wounded. It's about who God is - the One broken for me, smote on the cross, bearing the full brunt of God's fury against sin. It's about what I am called to be - to be broken and given to others in love and service, just as He was. The bread is about who I am, who God is, and what I am called to be.

And the cup. O the cup! There is nothing like real wine at the table. The way it swirls around the tongue, aromatizes the nose, and warms the body. Every drink of the cup is about who I am - a sinner, helpless and in need of mercy. The cup is about who God is - the One who poured out His blood for my forgiveness. The cup is about who I am called to be - poured out like a libation sacrifice.

Symbols binding up reality. Holding up the truth for us to see.

Who I am.

Who God is.

What I am called to be.

The bread and the cup. Just as He prescribed - do it as often as you can, always remembering... Infused with meaning, never ceasing to transform. Always recapturing a glimpse of the divine. Always renewing my heart. Always redefining my mortality, His mercy and my purpose.

The table is an eternal invitation. Come, eat.

But an invitation that is adequately met only by the cry 'Maranatha!' Come Lord Jesus!

Come in all Your fullness and grace and truth. Here and now.
Bear upon us all that You are and all You call us to be.
Again and again, till You come in Your glory.

Maranatha. Come Lord Jesus.

Discovering calls

2004-11-10T00:00:00.000+08:00

Just stepping back into KL made me sad. I've just come back from a lovely trip to Kinabalu. From majestic hill country to grimy city life - it's a steep descent into the humdrum of Klang valley.

Part of the pain comes from the lack of challenge and purpose in my job. I have yet to find the 'thing' that grips me from ahead and propels me forward. Surgeries are few and far between, and I haven't got many patients I can call my own. Surely I trained all these years to do more than warm my office chair and brew coffee every morning?

I struggle just to get up in the morning and head to work. I have nothing to look forward to. This is bad.

Times like these call for deep reflection, I guess. I need to listen for the call of the moment. Find my 'sealed orders' for the current station. Trying to fill up my week with activity, for the sake of activity, would be an exercise of self-deception - at best deceiving myself that I'm living a full life, at worst driving myself into burnout and disillusionment.

As I try to listen with head and heart, paying attention to signals around and stirrings within, I am finding the beginnings of new directions. Calls worthy of whole-hearted pursuit.

Calls at any one point can be many and varied. They are not the overarching purposes like 'glorify God' or 'serve mankind'. They are rather specific towards a particular time and place. They take considerable quietness to discern and time to nurture. But they must do one thing - draw me out of the ordinary and propel me beyond self-service and the usual concern of security & success.

Calls can be exciting and terrifying all at once, but leaves one in unrest and anxiety and obeyed. I yearn to find that narrow path, the one that triggers immense joy and meaning once followed.

What are my calls at the moment? What is my current environment, my inner journey, and my God saying to me at this time? Will I have the courage to say 'yes'? Will I have the discipline and persistence to follow the path to the end?

I will take the time to listen. Not rush in the direction of every whim. Hush the many voices that tug this way and that. Anchor deeply on the bedrock of truth to withstand against the ever-changing tides of popular opinion and expectations. And when the silent wind comes, may my sails be ready to let it take me wherever it blows.

The Power of Pain

2004-10-25T00:01:00.000+08:00

Pain is simply painful.

Medical textbooks are rife with definitions of pain. The American Society of Anesthesiologists define it as an unpleasant sensory or emotional experience, associated with actual or potential damage, or described in the terms of such damage. You mean like a slap in the face, or a dagger in the heart? Nice.

We all know what pain is anyway. It's dealing with pain that's the big question.

As a physician, I appreciate what pain does for the patient. Without it, patients would never turn up to have their medical condition investigated. The pattern of pain tells us the likely cause. And pain gives us a useful way to monitor the severity of the problem and how it's responding to our treatment.

But when we're in emotional/psychological pain, it's hard to make sense of it. Why is this happening to me? We ask. In prolonged suffering we question, is there a purpose for this pain?

Is this some kind of divine retribution from God? Am I being punished for some serious sin? This is highly unfair, where is God in all this? Why is He giving me such a hard time?

Personally, I've come to the conclusion that it isn't always helpful to ask these questions. Pain simply has to finish its course and reach its end for it do the work for which it was intended.

God sometimes has to light a fire under our butt to get us going. Like a tea bag, you will never know what you're made of until put in hot water. A great many things we can only learn through mistakes - in fact we learn better through fumbling and faltering than being right all the time. Most of all pain perfects our character, James says (Jam 1:2). Trials are put in our way not to stop us but to bring the best out of us.

Life always seems unfair in our time. But in God's time - well, we're promised that the future glory 'far outweighs' and can't be compared to the suffering (Rom 8:18). So while eternity is being worked out, I think there's only two things to do - trust and listen.

TRUST - holding on for dear life, believing that it's all going to work out for good. And LISTEN - to the pain for clues to where it's leading us.

David Seamands tells us to 'choose our pain' - the pain of grumbling and fighting it, or the pain of understanding it and allowing God to heal and teach us. Henri Nouwen suggests that we turn pain from an enemy into a friend. Instead of pouring all our efforts into eliminating pain as quickly as possible, we can befriend it, listen to it, and let it speak to us of our deepest need and of God's presence in our pain.

While we aren't always given understanding about our pain, we are certainly given HOPE, and His companionship. And I can pray to learn all that I can. I guess you could say, pain - can't beat it, join it!

Biking my way to goodbye

2004-03-17T00:04:00.000+08:00

I'm so glad I got the bike I have now.

Initially I took a look at Faruqi's, the specialist biker's shop and saw this delicious slender speed machine. It was gleaming green. I stroked it, admired it, felt its light-weightedness and thought to myself.. man I can fly with this thing. But when I asked the price, all I saw flying was my hard earned money. RM3700... NO WAY.

So I headed on to good old Tai Fatt Hong where they sell el cheapo bikes. I found it. RM 285. Simple body and wheels, gears that work and well, it LOOKS like a racing bike. With a few modifications, putting on stirrups on the pedals, some flashing reflectors, a cat's eye lamp, and cradle for a water bottle - I got what I needed.

The only thing now is that it looks quite good for a sub300 machine and I couldn't possibly keep it at the ground floor of my flats. I risk inciting the kleptomaniac in the kids that live there and the next thing I know, my bike will be stripped bare, or worse - gone (like my first bike.) So I heave it up 6 flights of stairs down and up, down and up, down and up EVERY time I go riding. That's a muscle workout right there before and after every pedalling session.

Ah. But a small sacrifice for being able to ride like the wind. I have some 12 weeks left in Kota Bharu. I'm starting late, but I still have time to ride to all the beaches and beautiful kampung roads around Kubang Krian. I don't think I'll be able to do anything like that in KL.

I will miss this place for the quiet, unassuming beauty that is kampung life. Sigh.. My last fling with Kelantan, after 9 years... A journey that's about to end, yet a journey that's just started.

Wherever the road leads

2004-02-21T00:05:00.000+08:00

Palm fronds are hugging the river banks. Tyres are bobbing in the quiet river. The sqwuak of sea gulls are carried from a distance by the gentle sea-breeze. All signalling to me - it's time to stop and let mother nature spoil you for awhile. I dismounted and pushed my bike over to a shack at the beach. Leaning it there, I romped through the soft, white sand that swallowed my shoes like so much flour.

I rode 20km to Sabak beach and back today. It was the most thrilling and satisfying experience ever.

The ride there was tough. Grinding 24km per hour in the hot morning sun (I was timing myself from milestone to milestone), my quadriceps burned and I would've been roasted lobster-read if not for sunblock. But it was worth the agony. After tearing through the winding kampung road there, all 10km of it, I eased into a village slip road, beckoned by sheep bleating and goats baa-ing. Just a few more corners, and at last a sturdy plank bridge takes me across the river mouth over to the shore.

This beach is spotted with old coconut trees that have long since been drowned by the ascending shoreline. These old growths have long since been choked grey by the salty water. All that was left to remind us of its swinging days were the splayed inner fibres of its stumps where they had been chopped. The fibres stuck out softly, bushy-like, kind of like so many anemones. I found a stump about as tall as my thigh and perched there to take in the whole thing.

The morning sun playfully sparkling off the sea.

Frothing white water like so many swiss rolls rolling to shore or steamed milk on a fresh cappucino.

Soft frolicking waves hitting the shore with a lulling rhythm, sedating my mind into a trance.

Ahhh.. that was heaven right there...

Sigh.

Of course, I still had to make the trip back. So with one last gulp, drinking it all up (not that I could ever have enough of it) I mounted my trusty steel horse and cranked it out of Sabak. I had had enough maybe to take me through another week of frenetic work life.

Over the bridge, past the bleaters, and into the coconut tree-lined track back. The journey home wasn't so hard. Maybe because the road was more familiar now. Maybe it was the water loss from sweat and my open-mouthed panting. But I'd like to think that it was because my soul was so much lighter now, like little boats on the horizon, and an inner serenity like the sea-breeze cut right through the traffic noise.

You can be sure I'm going to do this again. And again.

To the next beach down the shore or to that village upriver. Wherever the road takes me.

Terrifying Presence

2003-12-24T00:06:00.000+08:00

A burning bush moment

So many encounters
None like tonight's.

The air grew heavy
Weighing down on me
My limbs numb

An otherness upon me
Pinned down
Breathing is difficult
Paralysed

Perhaps this is how Daniel felt
Prostrate before God

For the first time
I glimpse at how awesome
How terrifying, how petrifying
God is

I could be snuffed out in a moment
Not just small but utterly insignificant
Nothinq, less than nothing
Terrified but cannot run

Great ls The Lord
Awesome. Majestic.
Overpowering.

I have no words even to repent
Prostrate is not low enough!
O that the ground would open and swallow me!

May I always live in reverent fear of my God!

To Chase or Be Chased?

2003-12-22T00:08:00.000+08:00

The spiritual Gurus say, 'You can only have bliss if you don't chase it.' Is that a universal truth?

Have I not been taught to pursue God with all my heart, mind and soul? Am I to find God or am I to be found?

Without an intense desire for God and God alone, one cannot hope to find Him, I'm told. Until you gasp for Him like air underwater, as the deer panteth, and with every effort of the mind and soul. But at the end of my yearning and searching and doubting and fighting, comes the realisation that even with the best of my efforts - it is only He who finds me and reveals Himself to me.

Like Jacob and the dislocated hip.

In moments of silence with God, I only come to be aware of Him when finally I grow tired struggling with my vain thoughts, random emotions, and endless imaginations. In my journey, only when I reach the end of the rope - all hope and strength lost - I can let go and fall into the open arms that's always been there, waiting.

How long must I continue this pursuit before I realise I am being pursued by the Hound of Heaven? As Merton would say, how far must we go to find the One who is already in us? And the old axiom goes - 'Let go, and let God!'

So perhaps it is right to say: 'You can only find God when you cease chasing Him'

To chase or be chased, that is the question.

But to stop chasing... that's the struggle of a lifetime.

Impromptu

2003-11-19T00:10:00.000+08:00

We had our church camp 2 weeks ago. For a couple of months before that, we were trying frantically to get a speaker - everyone we tried were fully-booked, out of town, or exhausted their year's leave.

But at the 11th hour a very kind speaker said 'yes'.

I'll be there, and if not me, I'll send someone in my place. We were thrilled. Until the day of camp. My car was all packed with passengers' luggage and revving ready to go when the camp coordinator comes up to me and says, 'Dr. Yap, the camp speaker can't be found anywhere. He's not replying his emails and he's not answering his handphone. We might need you to take some sessions.'

My jaw dropped just long enough for it to turn into a smile without looking like an ape.

OK. I said. I'll think of something. So I went home and dug out materials I'd spoken or preached about before just in case.

Well, in the end, the speaker called up to say he was in London. His profuse apologies, he got the date right, only he thought the invitation was for year 2004! I took 2 sessions and our church elder took the other four. In spite of our unpreparedness, we all had a refreshing time. Some allocated sessions were exchanged for 'rest' - which I enjoyed thoroughly. And the impromptu talks blessed everyone.

This sort of thing could never happen in a city mega-church. Only in Kelantan. Yet His grace is sufficient in our weakness. We are keenly reminded of that.

Sometimes our lack of preparation can be an opportunity for God's control of the situation to shine through. He never lets His people down.

Action in Waiting

2003-11-11T00:11:00.000+08:00

I like sitting around waiting for a plane or train. A short pause before a journey, the waiting can be very re-creative.

Rather symbolic of putting behind the past and forging ahead to a new day. All shapes and sizes of people - scurrying, waltzing, fiercely quarrelling - pass by, coming from somewhere far away and going off another place.

And I must wait.

So many thoughts, feelings, inner movements previously suppressed comes to surface while the suffocated noise of the day subsides in the quietude of waiting.

I guess that's how the rich journals of Wesley and the writings of Hudson Taylor were made. On the click-clocks of horseback-riding and the vast ebb and flow of the Pacific Ocean.

What a difference an hour can make.

Such moments are difficult to come by. Hard to create when we live in such tight routines defined by effectiveness, results and ISO standards. How fast can I perform a tonsillectomy? How much medical writing can I do in the 2 hours after my clinic and before my evening exercise? How many patients can I see in the 3 hour clinic I run? How much text can I cover in my 3 hour study time at night? Etc. Etc. It is simply impossible to find that 'door' that is the path of return to the heart and to God.

Moments like these are like the title of Christopher Blumhardt's book - Action in Waiting

Star Wars and Freedom

2003-06-18T00:13:00.000+08:00

Anakin slew his mother’s captors with bitter rage after she dies in his arms. Risking the safety of Queen Amidala, he breached strict orders and returned to his home-planet Tatooine. We see him take things into his own hands and rebel against the wise mentoring of Obiwan. Even to the point of self-puffery about how ‘I exceed my master in many ways.’ Finally we see him break the ethos of the Jedi and openly indulge in his love for Padme. Episode II of the Star Wars saga sows the seeds of Anakin’s spiral into darkness. Pride. Greed. Attachment. Darth Vader is in the birthing.

Creator George Lucas explains the evolution in TIME: “He turns into Darth Vader because he gets attached to things. He can’t let go of his mother; he can’t let go of his girlfriend. He can’t let go of things. It makes you greedy. And when you’re greedy, you are on the path to the dark side, because you fear you’re going to lose things, that you’re not going to have the power you need.

This Sunday I will leave Kota Bharu to work in Penang for 3 months. I will stay in a barebones houseman’s quarters. Though I’ve been in Kelantan only 2 years I’ve grown very comfortable here. I’m addicted to my abode (which I fondly dub ‘The Refuge.’) Soothingly lit and acoustically pleasing, it’s also furnished with choice electronics, musical instruments and audiovisual equipment. Not forgetting my books and CDs.., how can I possibly leave all that behind? Perhaps, that’s why this break from my ‘comfort zone’ is healthy.

Movement is important in our lives. Changes and transitions keep us from harboring unhealthy attachments or ungodly ties. Like, I can be more interested in tweaking my PC than using it to bless people. I can become obsessed with reading and forget to translate it into life-change or teaching. I can become so concerned with managing my funds and lose sight of using it for the Kingdom. I can become so comfortable with the acceptance of a few close friends I no longer desire larger community. Traps I often fall into. Maybe not exactly the slippery slope to the dark side, but I do grow way too attached to things.

Thomas Merton says of freedom and obedience, ‘Obedience is meant to make a person supple, free from attachment to self will.’ ‘In the death and resurrection of Christ, there is a completely valid and unchanging truth in the fact that we have to die to our own will.’ Regular detaching is vital for spiritual freedom. That’s why I like the stories of Abraham, Moses and the Magi so much. Abraham left all that he knew not knowing where he was going. Just a promise from God: ‘I am your great reward.’ The Magi chased a faint star from east to west to reach the King swaddled in Mary's embrace. And Moses! Moses was knocked pretty hard wasn’t he, to be barred from the Promised Land? Abraham, Moses and the Magi of Scripture all left things behind to embrace God more fully. Anakin of Star Wars chose attachment and self-will to find himself banished to the dark side.

May all our losses, changes and failures do its intended work – help us let go of things and die to our self-will. Turn my whole being to God and find fullness of freedom there.

Planned for Pleasure

2003-01-17T00:14:00.000+08:00

'When we are motivated by goals that have deep meaning, by dreams that need completion, by pure love that needs expressing, then we truly live life.'
-Grieg Anderson

The new year has just begun, and many of us made resolutions. Like, maybe, 'Lose 10kgs by the end of January.' Or for the more spiritual among us, 'Pray for 2 hours every day and never think an evil thought again.' If my track record is anything to go by, I will probably fail in many of mine. Some because they are over ambitious. Some because I lack discipline. But mostly, we fail, because there is no driving force behind our goals.

Our lives are hinged on purposes. We strive to reach what we believe in. But if we lack purpose we are easily discouraged when the going gets tough. We need purpose. And the true purpose of our lives can only be found by going back to the manufacturer - God who created us..

I saw a comic interview on TV recently, where a scientist was being interviewed.

The scientist being interviewed said, 'The idea that sex is purposed for reproduction is preposterous!
'But how would you reproduce then?' the interviewer asked.
'If I wanted a baby, I would extract my DNA, purify it, inject it into a frozen embryo, and let it grow in controlled lab conditions. The way God intended it!'

10 years ago this would have been just a funny story. Today, the cloning revolution is upon us. In one poll, people were asked if they disagree to being cloned. Most said no, it was ok. But when they were asked, would you like to have been born a clone? - they shuddered just at the thought. The saddest part about cloning is not that we are making human beings unnaturally, but that a generation of children will grow up asking: 'Who am I? To whom do I belong? Why do I exist?'

I thank God I don't live in such times. I thank God, that I am not confused about why I exist. I am not the result of a lab experiment. I am not even the product of random mutations in a series of meaningless evolutions.

'Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness,..."
God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.' - Gen 1:26,31

God made us out of love. He crafted us with care and endowed us with God-like characteristics. Infused us with His life. And when he was done, he said, 'It is VERY good!' He looks down on you and me, and sees His masterpiece. The reason I exist is because of Him. I am made for God's pleasure.

Not for My Own Pleasure

What we do with our lives, how we live, the choices we make, also have the power to please or displease God. Whether we are conscious of it or not, we are either pleasing God or pleasing ourselves. Sadly, we often choose to please ourselves first. We displease God in our wrong actions and evil thoughts. We place ourselves higher than God. Sometimes we seek Him only to fulfil our desires.

King Solomon, after spending himself completely on every kind of indulgence, declared that without God, all the good things of life are meaningless and empty.

'A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment? To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness..' Ecclesiastes 2:24

Jesus, our perfect example said, 'I always do what pleases him.' (John 8:29) Let us, like Jesus, choose to please God in everything we do, every day of our lives.

How do I live to please God?

In the classic, Chariots of Fire, the protagonist was a seminarian who was also an Olympic long-distance runner. He was portrayed in the movie as a man who would never run on a Sunday, even if it meant missing a race. To worship God was his number one priority. 'When I run like the wind,' he said 'I feel God's pleasure in me,' He even ran to worship God. What we do in our bodies can be a 'sacrifice of praise' (Heb 13:16) that brings pleasure to God. So chiefly, in everything we do we must worship God.

The Bible emphasises another 3 main attitudes that pleases God.
1. Repentance - 'Do I take any pleasure in the death of the wicked? declares the Sovereign LORD. Rather, am I not pleased when they turn from their ways and live?' (Eze 18:23)
2. Faith - 'And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him' (Heb 11:6)
3. Obedience - 'May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever.' (Heb 13:20-21)

The story of The Little Boy and The Angel

There once was a little boy by the name Theocrite who worked long and hard for a living. His spirit was dauntless and he was always singing, "Praise God". Morning, noon and night he sang and it brought joy to his heart and to the hearts of those who heard him. Most of all it brought joy to the heart of God who heard him from heaven.

One day, as he was singing and working, a monk passed by and touched by his sweet song came into the shop and said, 'Well done, my son. Your praise is surely heard by God as if it was the Pope singing praise in St. Peter's church at Easter.' Theocrite was happy with his work, but when he heard the monk say that, he remarked, 'O if only I could praise him in the great St. Peter's church.'

The angel Gabriel heard his wish and the very next day whisked him to Rome and made him the Pope. But immediately, God asked Gabriel: 'Why is it I don't hear the sweet voice of Theocrite anymore?'

So Gabriel left the heavens and became a boy like Theocrite. The work he could easily do, but he tried his best to sing like Theocrite but could not. God said: 'I hear a voice of praise, but in it there is no doubt and fear and longing like that of the song of Theocrite. I miss my little human praise.'

And so the angel cast of his disguise. No one can fill another's place, not even an angel.

Come Easter, the angel Gabriel went to Rome and found the Pope, Theocrite, about to praise God in a great way. And he said to him, 'It was a mistake that I took you from your trade and made you Pope. You may be a great Pope but no one can take your place in the old shop. I have tried to take your place. Your voice seemed so weak to me, but when I tried to take up your song, God was not pleased.'

'All the song of praise in the world rise as wonderful chorus to the ear of God, but without you, the great chorus is incomplete, and he misses your little voice of praise.'

And so Theocrite was brought back to his old shop to do his old work and there was a new Pope. 'Come back to your boyhood and sing your song, "Praise God" again,' said the angel Gabriel. Theocrite grew old at home. He never sang praises in a great way at St. Peter's church but when he and the new Pope came to die, they went to heaven side by side.

The story of Theocrite embodies so much truth. We don't need to do great things to please God. We don't have to be somebody we are not. No one else can please God for us. Only you, who are made special in His eyes, can bring pleasure to God in your own special way. And it is a lifelong adventure until the day we die.

'So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.' - 2 Corinthians 5:9-10

We are planned for God's pleasure. All thing exist for God and His pleasure alone. We are planned for God's pleasure. That is our first and highest purpose.

When we have a purpose so great, so all-encompassing, so eternal as living for the glory of our Maker, our Creator and our Redeemer we will always do the right thing and will not be discouraged. We can go on until the we are called home to glorify Him there. No matter what the results are here on earth, no matter how dismal or hopeless things seem, when we align ourselves to God's purpose we will truly live life.

Shaken, not stirred

2003-01-10T00:15:00.000+08:00

One of my patients suffer from the mutilating effects of radiotherapy. While lethal rays shrunk his throat cancer, they scarred his neck vessels, cutting off vital lymph drainage. In two months I saw his face swell unrecognisably, burying his eyeballs and threatening to rupture his lips. His tongue protrudes intractably and he can't swallow. I don't need terrorism stories to stun me speechless. Every day I see hapless victims of head & neck cancers, some of them barely in their 20s, and many of them badly mutilated.

I have no answers to the questions I dare not even ask.

Life can go very wrong (think losing all your property and children, and scraping your sores with pottery). In Job's drama I am face-to-face with a cold scalpel-wielding surgeon who initiates such suffering! We don't have to make excuses for Him (..oh, He allowed it to happen) or shift responsibility (..it is the work of evil people). Ultimately this Sovereign God who we say is in control of all things, IS the protagonist. And He does it even to those who 'fear God and shun all evil.'

Our politically correct church lives and good conduct is no safety blanket!

James tells us that Job's agony was the product of 'compassion and mercy' on the Lord's part (Js 5:11). The writer of Hebrews adds that we are 'shaken so that what is unshakable will remain.' (Heb 12:27-28) And indeed as the journey unfolds, Job discovers that matchless thing, the reward that far outweighs all loss and agony. And it is none other than God himself. Not someone else's God. Not what somebody tells him about God. But his own personal God discovered through blood and tears. Not piety. Not a blameless life. He has found his true treasure, the real thing that cannot be taken away from him.

A deep and intimate relationship with the living God.

What should then be my response to people who are suffering beyond explanation? The story of Job teaches me there is no need for explanation. To sympathise ('oh.. you poor thing, life is so unfair') is to say God doesn't know what He's doing.

But to be present in love may help achieve the purpose of one's suffering - to find one's true hope, the unshakable thing, his God.

Dare to Journey On

2003-01-02T00:16:00.000+08:00

Courage is the price that Life exacts for granting
peace,
The soul that knows it not, knows no release
From little things.
- Amelia Earhart

The whole world celebrates another new year. Bintang walk was pounding with sweaty bodies last night and fireworks blazed the sky. I watched musical performances on TV from different parts of the globe, all emanating with cultural beauty and hope for humanity. But deep down I wondered, How is a new year with all its uncertainties anything to celebrate at all? Rolling over into a new year is always a fearsome event for me.

Crossing the invisible line from 2002 to 2003 is more like crawling through a landmine than racing for the finish line. With so many goals unachieved and mistakes I regret, how do I put the year past behind me? And when I think of the challenges and uncertainties ahead, where do I find the courage to face the future? How do I make it across the barbed field from yesterday's should-haves and tomorrow's what-ifs?

Freedom from the past

Guilt and regret is what keeps us trapped in the past, says Nouwen: `The past and the future keep harassing us. The past with guilt, the future with worries. So many things have happened in our lives about which we feel uneasy, regretful. Angry, confused, or, at least, ambivalent. And all these feelings are often coloured by guilt. Guilt that says: "You ought to have done something other than what you did.. These "oughts".. prevent us from being fully present to the moment.' To get to the starting line, I must shut the gates on yesterday. All the failures and regrets that bear down on me - things I should have done in 2002 and things I shouldn't have - must be dumped overboard like rotten cargo. Let's forgive ourselves and embrace the grace that is offered to us so that we may begin again. Bid farewell to yesterday. The day of redemption is today!

Vision for the future

The trumpet call for tomorrow beckons us from afar. And it also grips us from within. We can hear our hearts echo the words of Sam Gamgee as he left the Shire in the Fellowship of the Ring:

`I know we are going to take a very long road, into darkness; but I
know I can't turn back.. I don't rightly know what I want: but I have
something to do before the end, and it lies ahead.'

To get to the heart of my destiny, I must reaffirm my identity (who am I?) and rediscover my core values (what do I care deeply about?). What is it that I live for? What is my passion? What captivates my heart and fires up my imagination? When I know who I am in God's eyes, and what I am built for - I can walk towards the vision that God has given me and march to the drumbeat of my own heart.

Courage to press on

Before we even take a step into the new year, fears and doubts will clamour for our attention:
`There are too many uncertainties to live by dreams!'
`It's too risky to put everything into what I believe.'
`It's too hard to be different.'
`What if I fail?'

In the Bible, when the Israelites heard reports of the giants of Philistine, they cowered, their vision of the Promised Land dwarfed in comparison, and they wound up in the desert for 40 years. They exchanged their inheritance for fears. On the brink of the land of milk and honey, they turned back and became a generation of withering and lostness. Perhaps it's easier to storm the walls of Jericho like Joshua when people are looking and the throngs are cheering on. But when there is no audience and no cheerleaders, nobody feels like being a hero. `Will I ever succeed?' `Can I make it?' `Should I even try?' Let me tell you this - to move forward when no one is looking is what true courage is. Courage is to act out the invisible thoughts of our mind. Armed with a prayer and the strength that God gives; you need only take a step towards the vision in your mind. As writer and politician, George Konrad, in communist Hungary once said, 'Courage is only an accumulation of small steps.'

There is nothing more sad than a spanking new ship that never sets sail. A ship is safe in the port but that's not what it's built for. All our best resolutions would be nothing more than an exercise of the imagination if we didn't leave the harbour of yesteryear. Raise your sails and start the voyage today!

Eat them or plant them

2002-12-15T00:16:00.000+08:00

I've been reading that much-talked-about book 'The Millionaire Next Door'. Throughout the book, the authors never stop promoting a low-consumption, high-investment lifestyle as the key to wealth. Frugality and smart investment strategies is their siren song. I've learnt a lot from the authors, but one story really fascinated me.

When they interviewed a millionaire-farmer, he explained his philosophy in money-management: 'My family in Nebraska understood the value of a dollar. Dad used to say seeds are a lot like dollars. You can eat the seeds or sow them. But when you would see what seeds turned into... ten-foot high corn... you don't want to waste them. Consume them or plant them. I always get a kick out of watching things grow.'
Strikingly similar to the Parable of Talents wouldn't you say? Money was like seeds to him, seeds to be used or to be invested. But my mind turns to people, instead. People in church and at work. People under our care. Even myself.

People are a lot like seeds. Every human being is a ready resource. They have abilities, energy and a desire to bless people. We can 'eat' them by putting them to work immediately and pushing every last ounce of service they can offer. Or we can 'sow' them by helping them grow, nurturing their gifts, and loving them into becoming all they can be. When we see how they turn out in the end, Kingdom-minded, Christ-centered effective individuals, we don't want to waste them.

Who are the 'seeds' under your care? Are you too eager to 'consume' them? How can you 'plant' them? And what about yourself? Am I too eager to use up all my strength and abilities? How can I invest in my gifts/passions and let them grow?

Do you get a kick out of watching people grow?

People - use them or grow them!

More than surviving

2002-07-19T00:17:00.000+08:00

I was slurping beef noodles and he gulped down his Char Hor Fun. I was glad to meet up with this Penangite. Santosh, who just graduated medical school weeks ago is now raring to start his first posting as a medical doctor. The Government of Malaysia has commissioned him to serve in Kuching and he can't wait to get busy.

As we talked about what life would be like, he commented: 'I think it's wrong for me to just want to survive. We are called to obey Him every step of the way whatever it means at that time. Survival is a wrong focus.' He was spot on. A Christian in the marketplace is a portal for Christ to be present in grace and love. We are not called to merely survive.

After all the horror stories a young doctor has heard about housemanship, it's hard not to think that surviving is priority number 1. Yet to be preoccupied with merely surviving is to be defeated from the start.

I think of Peter walking on water to get to Jesus. It must've been exhilarating to skim the waves like a mud-skipper. But, alas, He went down just as quickly as His vision became engulfed with the overwhelming waves. Rather than fly to the One who called Him, he caved in under the obstacles surrounding him.

I have my share of unreasonable bosses and difficult colleagues. Often enough I am wrongly blamed, taken fore granted or dumped with work that's not mine. I've failed exams and career challenges are increasingly difficult. I too am tempted to do the bare minimum, insist on my rights, and 'just survive'. It's an uphill task to 'turn the other cheek' and 'walk the extra mile' as Christ exhorts. I'm sure you have similar occupational woes. Yet I remind myself that what Christ calls us to do, He also enables with His grace. He strengthens us to do more than is our duty. He loves us to the point of being able to love and serve others in humility. He fills us with the ineffable joy that can pervade our workplace.

I do believe we can live like that. While it is good to know my limitations and be aware of obstacles ahead, I cannot let my eye fall from Him. Lord, help me keep my vision upon You - the One who calls me, empowers me, and dwells in Me. Help me lift my will to love You and be filled with You. May I live not to survive, but to follow You each and every day, neither rushing ahead nor lagging behind

Martha or Mary - who should I be?

2002-05-01T00:19:00.000+08:00

A friend took us on a Kinta Valley tour a few days ago. On one road in Batu Gajah, two buildings hemmed us in. The barbed state prison loomed over on one side and a serene hospital was sprawled on the other. We were quite amused. It seemed to say, 'Choose - get imprisoned or get healed!' It makes me think of the story of Jesus in Martha & Mary's house. CHOOSE - A Life of Contemplation or A Life of Activism?

We all laud Mary's intuitive ability to choose the 'better thing.' Sitting at Jesus' feet, hanging onto Jesus' every word for her. Oblivious to the clanging in the kitchen and the needs of weary travelers. She did the difficult thing, refusing the tyranny of the urgent. She rose above the trapping of busy-ness. And for centuries since, she's been our elusive goal of the centred heart with the heavenward gaze.

Honestly, if not for Jesus' pronouncement on 'the better thing', I'd root for Martha. I still do. She sees the needs. She's compassionate to the hungry. She gives from whatever abilities she has. She's responsible and she gets things done. I like Martha. And I try to be a Martha wherever I am. Don't you? Who would you prefer to have today in your workplace? What kind of colleagues, office help, or house help would you want? Contemplative Marys or Productive Marthas?

I believe Martha and Mary are two faces of one holistic life rather than exclusive choices. We're called to be both Martha and Mary. To meditate on his law day and night, yet to bear fruit in season. To gaze on His face in the sanctuary and to do works of righteousness. To feed on Him, the bread of life on one hand, and to feed His sheep on the other. I guess, then, that the important message of Jesus' in Martha & Mary's house is not choosing one against the other, but choosing what comes before what.

Contemplation must precede action, and must be the heart of all action. Relationship must be central to our workmanship. As we receive love from the Father, we overflow with love for others. When we know His word on the matter, we neither run ahead or lag behind on the work at hand. Listening with loving attention tunes us to attend to others in love. If we chose to be Marys all the time, we soon become sedentary. If we were to be Marthas all the time, our spirits shrivel and we die standing. I need to be Mary before Martha, and Mary inside a Martha. In that way, I am choosing the 'better' thing.

Lord, let me be a Mary at heart. Gazing into Your loving eyes. Listening to Your words of healing. Simply being, and being loved. Let all that You are within me flow into everything I do. May my touch carry the weight of Your tender hands. May my every word and action be infused with Your grace and mercy

Haven't done nothing yet

2002-02-28T00:20:00.000+08:00

'This is my son, whom I love. With him I am well pleased.'

Those words of blessing were pronounced on Jesus before he ever did anything. He hadn't performed any miracles. Hadn't preached any sermon on the mount. Hadn't yet conquered sin and death. No, up till then he had pounded nails and carved wood. But already He is the Son, the beloved, and the one who gave Father pleasure.

I wager it is holding on to these words, that Jesus overcame the devil's seductions. Forty days in desolation, where there was no voice of affirmation and no touch from on high. Only howling cold winds, exhaustion and loneliness. In such moments of dark and despair, temptation comes: Feed your hunger! Make God prove He is with you! Take what is rightfully yours!

'My son. My beloved. I am pleased with you.'

Those are the words that keeps Jesus looking to the Father for sustenance, trusting Him enough not to test Him, and refusing to bend his knee to any other if it would mean turning his back to the Father.
In Christ, I am a co-heir to those words, and they are words I need so much when there is no touch and no voice. When I feel neglected or abandoned. Far away and forgotten. When the days are more akin to a cold desert.

'My son. My beloved. I am pleased with you.'

Such are the words already spoken, and I can take in over and over again. These are the words that sets me free from the grindstone of working for approval or acceptance. Through Christ, I am child. I am beloved. And I have His pleasure.

And I haven't done nothing yet!

The Way Home

2002-01-22T00:23:00.000+08:00

The first installment of LOTR the movie was undoubtedly a feast for Tolkien lovers and I hope an appetizer to would-be readers. Peter Jackson has amazed us by dramatizing and giving form to a world true to what many of us have imagined. Staying faithful to the spirit of the book, he has yet succeeded in giving it it new life. I was simply overjoyed that a mere 3 hour adaptation captured so well a story that took Tolkien over 20 years to write. (It also took Jackson only twelve years to make it!)

Of the many themes that LOTR overflows with, I walked away with a renewed sense of seeing life as a journey. A long and windy road that begins with a defining point, that is rediscovered at every step, and is shared by the people who go with us. Let me reminisce on some of these truths captured in the story.

A defining point

'I know we are going to take a very long road, into darkness; but I know I can't turn back.. I don't rightly know what I want : but I have something to do before the end, and it lies ahead,' said Sam Gamgee soon after his first skin-crawling encounter with the Ringwraiths.

We may be able to trace our journeys to such defining moments. When the destiny ahead seems to grip us and draw us from afar. When we didn't quite know where or what, but that we just had to go. Like when Abraham left homeland Ur, not knowing where the road would take him. Like the Magi traveling in the faint light of an obscure star, not knowing what awaited them . Like when the first disciples trailing Jesus were stopped with the question: 'What do you want?'
There may be many 'first steps' or 'turning points' in our lives. When in spite of the dangers without and fears within, we found the invisible courage to step forward. And I thank God for these moments, for they ignited the faith I need for the journey. Remembering these defining moments, I find courage to put one foot ahead of the other. Again and again.

A destiny

'We cannot choose what time we live in, but we must choose what to do with the time given to us..' Gandalf whispers these courageous words to Frodo in the darkness of Moria. In a moment of despair as deep as the mines and as evil as the death surrounding him, he had every right to question. What's the point of it all? Why risk so much and endanger so many? Why not forget everything and go home?
The turn of the century is a time of despair. Covert enemies terrorize civilization. Economies collapse in Argentina and Japan. The earth splits and fires spill over in Africa. Our own nation struggles with threats at many levels. Things may not be peachy at work and there may be little peace at home or in our churches. Our own inner lives could be in turmoil. Times like these, I will fling my hands in the air and ask 'Why?' 'Why should I bother anymore?'

We can't change the times we live in or what befalls us. Nor can we escape to another time. But we can choose to be true to our hearts. True to all that God has placed on our hearts and all that He's made us to be. We can choose to defend good where we are. And somehow we will stumble upon our destiny. When amid overwhelming darkness we dig into who we are and look to God for light on how to live. We are the Beloved children of God. We are salt and light of the earth. We walk the narrow road of eternal life. At every step, destiny is found deep within our hearts. The choice is not between saving the world and hiding. Ultimately it is a choice to be true to God and myself, or deny who I am.

Friends for the journey

'Faithless is he who says farewell when the road darkens.. Sworn word may strengthen quaking heart,' said Gimli as the pact formed between the nine at Rivendell. 'If by life or death I can save you, I will,' was Aragorn's promise to Frodo. A promise he kept all the way. Great is the power of friends whom we can count on . They make us or break us. I truly don't know where I'd be if not for the friends who cared. Friends who will still love me when I'm at my lowest and most wayward. Friends who will not let me stray far or leave me fallen by the way. Friends who will go with me as companions in the joys and pains of every day. It is the warmth of these friendships that make the cold journey bearable. It is companionship that makes every turn a joyful discovery to be shared. May I be such a friend also to other pilgrims on this journey.

From Tolkien's Middle-Earth to the story of Scripture, life is a change-filled journey to be embraced. The disciples' answer to Jesus' provoking question was simply this, 'Where do you live?' They wanted to go home. In Abraham's quest for the land of milk and honey, God promised him, 'I am your shield. I am your very great reward.' To the Magi, their lives changed forever at the feet of the infant born to die for them. Frodo had to go to Mordor to make it home to the Shire. We are all wandering home to the Father, and who knows how far we must go, or how long we shall wander to find Him who is already iniside us. But not all who wander are lost. What a mystery, this journey we call life...

'As for me, my way home lies onward and not back.' - Boromir

Be Thou My Vision

2001-12-12T00:23:00.000+08:00

Three final year medical students sat sprawled on a rattan mat in my flat. It was our monthly meeting when we huddle together to share our lives, renew confidence and find hope to forge ahead into a stormy future in the marketplace.

Aptly, it is called a 'Headstart' group. Learning the ropes before they set sail.

To go forward we needed to first remember. And so we recounted the journeys we had taken over five years in this secluded campus (fondly called 'the desert', 'the ends of the earth' or 'this God-forsaken place'). Comparing our spiritual maps, a pattern emerged : we found how God had taken us through the same milestones but excitingly different adventures.

We had all been shipped in the first year, lost, drifting and pretty much steering away from God. And toward our own faraway ambitions. (We all dreamed of A's but never got them in medical school!) Yet, by a series of shipwrecks, broadsides and running aground, we were brought into his wharf of restoration. Again and again. Each time more of His transforming love worked within. He never spared us the little trials to achieve great gain.

Rejections brought us to know His love, and in turn love and accept ourselves and others. Godly mentors who listened showed us how to be guides for others finding their way. Newfound freedom and space became the receptacle of His Presence. We came to grips with His purposes for ourselves and the world around us. And discovered for ourselves that there was no other life worth living but that of giving as Christ gave Himself.

One of them said, 'I now want to love God only for His' sake.'

Wow.

I sat at their feet and learnt.

Their lives were living crafts of the Master Potter's hand. The marks of His loving workmanship were distinctly carved in their histories.

We closed with 'Be Thou My Vision' and my heart swelled with each word. Weighed with praise for the Father who is the Guide, the Way, and the ultimate Port of Call for my dear brothers and I.
What distances we must travel to find Him who is already in us!
(Sing with me, wherever you are..)

Be Thou my vision
O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me
Save that Thou art
Thou my best thought
By day or by night
Waking or sleeping
Thy presence my light

Be Thou my wisdom
Be Thou my true word
I ever with Thee
And Thou with me Lord
Thou my great Father
And I Thy true son
Thou in me dwelling
And I with Thee one

Be Thou my breastplate
My sword for the fight
Be Thou my armor
And be Thou my might
Thou my soul's shelter
And Thy my high tower
Raise Thou me heavenwards
O Power of my power

Trapped!

2001-08-19T00:27:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, pastor preached about forgiveness in church. 'You must leave your bitterness and hurts when you come to the table.'

Today, I got trapped in a toilet.

Say what? Yes, I was trapped in a toilet. Let me tell you the tragic story.

I locked myself in the toilet today when the latch outside mysteriously shanked into place. Stark naked, dripping in bath water, not a soul in earshot, and no phone line. I was trapped in my own toilet. Was I in trouble or what?

What ensued was a scrum between mind and matter. Mind : stay cool, use your head, there must be a way out of this, JUST STAY CALM! Gut emotions : oh shit, oh no, you're going to die in this hole.., PANIC, PANIC, PANIC!

In 20 seconds, the tussle was over. Claustrophobia rushed and won. Calm analysis of the problem got stampeded. No clever McGyver tricks for me, no! I perched on the toilet, poised my leg in mid air and thrust-kicked the poor door in rapid fire. I confess, I felt a bit like Trinity of Matrix, or Fiona of Shrek, except my captor was no virtual policeman or Robin Hood sidekick.

The frail board of wood and aluminium gave way, allowing me a narrow escape through a pile of plank and debris. I was free at last!

Am I trying to make this a metaphor of something?

Yes. Unforgiveness is a lot like locking myself inside a toilet from the outside. It's festering on the inside, it paralyses the soul, and I'm imprisoned by resentment.

Forgiveness, on the other hand, is like a few good decisive kicks to get out. It's a choice, it's a positive action, and it's taking responsibility to gain my own freedom.

Every hurt presents a choice. Every rejection is a crossroad. Every betrayal is a toilet door.

Choose the way of continued anger, and I'm entering a cesspool of resentment, bitterness, and the death of love. Trapped and locked from the outside.

Choose forgiveness and you are free. The way is wide open to rebuild trust and acceptance. Our deepest desire to live in love is set free.

And if I stay up to date on this forgiveness thing, cleaning the slate every day, I may not have to break any doors.

I've since removed the lock outside, and repaired the door. I pounded on my finger and bled. But hey, it's a small price for big freedom.

Kari Ikan Merah

2001-02-03T00:12:00.000+08:00

I can't help but feel envy learning that some teenage programmers I know earn a 3-figure salary on a DAILY basis! I'm happy for them (yah right!) but it says a lot about the 'Digital Divide' created by information technology. Youths their age can pick up almost any skill from the deluge of information on the web. Master it, work it better than any crusted middle-aged programmer, and give them a run for their money. Who needs to go to school?

Maybe I should quit medicine and learn PHP!

The scenario for doctors hasn't changed in 50 years. Do you know what it takes for a doctor in civil service to make RM300? Locum. Like touting is for lawyers, moonlighting for pub singers, locum is for doctors. Locum is to stand in at a private clinic when the GP is having a vacation in Tahiti or has reached that age when he decides to spend quality time at home with his family at night. The going rate for locum is about RM30 an hour. Which means if a civil service doctor (who would have to take annual leave) were to locum for 10 hours, he takes home RM300. RM300 worth of seeing scores of ill folk who cough in his face, vomit in his lap, and bleed all over the floor.

RM300 - probably about how much a programmer earns a day, eh? For lounging in an office chair, operating a romping computer with power servers at his disposal, his butt well cooled by a 5hp air-conditioner. Secretaries bring you Mocha, colleagues chia lunch now and then, and a fat paycheck end of the day. Lovely.

LOCUM is the most profitable option a doctor in civil service has. But that's the occasional break. His routine is a lot more grim. To give you an idea, a fresh graduate earns something like RM1700 basic salary. As a house officer his job is to live in the hospital. Home is just where he sleeps. If he's not on call that is. On night calls, he is on his feet all night - sleepless, like the living undead gliding in an out of OR and resuscitating patients in the ER and finally collapsing in a heap for a half hour before he has to get back to work at 7 in the morning. For that (a night call), he earns a whopping RM20.

I remember countless zombie nights like that. No matter how I used to start every night with determination and a courageous spirit, after the 14th admission or so, I would fall apart. Usually it's about 2am when that happens. I would have walked a few miles up and down wards across the vast terrain that is UM. I still have countless injections to dispense, most of them late. My nurse reminds me there are another 4 patients or so waiting to be seen. Stroke. Epilepsy. Renal failure. Maybe a myocardial infarct. The pager hasn't stopped ringing the past 2 hours. I'm in the ward pushing my trolley of syringes wondering when it will all end.

'I can't do this anymorrr,' I tell myself, dragging one foot ahead of the other.

'One more patient and I'm going to collapse!'

I pull out crumpled paper from my pocket and look at the list : Stroke - ward 7S. ABG - bed 24, 7U. Blood CNS - bed 13, 7U. Set CVP - bed 12, 7U.

'Just 5 minutes. 5 minutes, please.'

I sneak into the chart room and pull up a chair. 5 minutes and I'll get back to work. I slink onto the thinned cushion and arch back. The moment my head meets cushion, my entire being is sucked into this blackhole of exhaustion. My body would just flop limply like a lifeless amoeba, fingers grazing the floor, a wave of numbness rapidly engulfing me from fingers and toes, to torso and neck. I'm left with a semi-functioning brain in a dead body. As I plummet deeper into rebound coma, half unconscious, I can feel the angle of my lip droop as one of my facial nerves decide to stop firing.

'It's just a transient ischemic attack. Mild stroke. Probably a bit of carotid insufficiency to the motor cortex,....' I mumble, my lip quivers for a second, and I become a dead log.

I would probably remain that way till I'm discovered rigor-mortised the next morning, except that my good old friend - the pager fixed to my hip - will inevitably ring. 'Beep! Beep! Beep!' The rude blare of the pager shocks me with 1000 volts of anxiety - good enough to yank me from deep REM, facial palsy, brain dead and all,.. to bolt for the phone.

Gasp. Hack. Wheeze.

'Harroo?'

'Haaa..? Apa you kata? Patient collapse?!! Takda pulse? Takda breathing? Case apa?'

'Alamak.. Ambik resus troli. Pasang cardiac monitor. Sedia adrenaline. Start CPR. Saya datang sekarang!'

Somewhere deep in the endoplasmic reticulum of my gastrocs, some secret calcium reserve pours out onto them actin-myosin bridges. Muscle fibrils miraculously jump into action, cardiac chambers leap to life, previously unfired neurons blaze with renewed energy, all to propel this house officer down the ward aisles to yet another hapless patient.

The next morning - panda-eyed, speech slurred, struggling to keep coffee from drooling out my spastic lip - I'm having breakfast with a couple of other house officers. One guy is euphoric after a weekend of sleep. The other gobbles down his poh-pia, peers into my eyes through the layers of fatigue, disillusionment and despair he sees there. I thought he was going to encourage me..

'You know what? Yesterday I paid my gardener RM30 to clean up the weeds. RM 30!! How much did you make last night, huh, Yap? How much?'

Today, at age 30 I make RM 2000 a month. Let's do a bit of arithmetic here, ok? How much do you think renting a flat in KL costs? Rm700? 800? About there. If I were to work in KL : let's start with RM2000, then minus rent (RM750 say..), minus car payment (RM 500 say..), minus giving to parents (RM300 say..), and tithe (RM200 say..), minus laundry (RM 50 say..), minus utility bills (RM200 say..), minus phone bills (RM 50 say...)

What? Did you say there's nothing left for food?

That's the arithemetic.

Some careers aren't as easy as others. It's a fact. If I were to look at Alvin's paycheck, my skin will produce chlorophyll with envy. If I were to count Ryan's part-time earnings, I'll probably wring his neck in bitter rage till he turns blue in the face. So I don't ask, and I don't look. If I were to measure my financial worth by my net assets - I'm a great big zero. But somehow, somewhere deep in the recesses of my damaged-by-too-many-night-calls brain there's something that tells me it's all worth it. And not because someday I might be a private otolaryngologist making RM20,000 a month.

That's not it. Arithmetic isn't everything. I may never leave the civil service (are you crazy?!!)if I feel called to serve the community in such a way. I would continue to crawl at a RM60-raise-a-year pace. I hope there's enough idealism and faith to be keep me going 10 years from now when the arithmetic still adds up to no money for food. Contentment is a difficult thing to learn. 'The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.' - that is a fantastic thing to be able to say, you know. And believe me, most of the time my flesh says, 'I want!! I want!!'. To sit back and watch the world fall over themselves for the latest 29" flat screen, Palm Vx, 2.1 mega pixel digital still, Clark-Hatch membership and say silently to yourself - 'I don't need it. God's given me enough.' That is the start of having plenty.

Lots of incalculable things makes it all worthwhile of course. Like a lady I saw today who was battling diabetes, renal failure, hypertension, gastrointestinal bleed and pneumonia a month ago. I did a tracheotomy for her half wondering if she would even live to benefit from it. Today, I removed the tracheal tube and she took her first gasp through her natural airway again - she made it! There were tears of joy in her eyes. In another case, one man's tracheal tube fell out this morning. His trachea blocked with tumor, a tiny pinhole in his neck was all that was left of the track. With the few short minutes I had I anaesthetized his neck, incised the pinhole and refashioned a track into his trachea. He's gone home with a new tube now - breathing, I hope.

Barely three years out of medical school, and I'm back in school again. Trying to hack it in a Masters' program. I have three months to my first professional exams and I'm looking at this huge syllabus which I've barely begun to cover. A lot of faith is necessary. Hope, the Bible teaches me is not a random stab in the dark. It's trust in a very certain outcome - the outcome that's in the hands of my loving Father in Heaven. A trust that's about surrendering it all to Him when I'm clueless how I could ever succeed. And hey, the Bible also teaches me that God is delighted when we trust Him that way. A little bit short of funds, and facing insurmountable challenges : all that I am, all that I can ever do, I give it up to Him. I know my Father in His ingenuity, will work it all out for good.

And hey.. before any of you start sending me money, let me tell you I have ENOUGH. God's made sure of that. Today I'm going to cook me and Joan some curried Ikan Merah with tomatoes and lady's fingers in my tiny microwave. The CD player and MS10i Pearl speakers I saved to buy as a house officer still packs a punch playing Diana Krall and John Coltrane. My Pentium II 300 Mhz purrs like a kitten running Windows ME, keeps www.fewsion.com updated, and lets me research bible Hebrew on hope and rest. Sinking into my Sarawakian bamboo rocking chair to catch a read of Nouwen or Scientific American under soft yellow light (from a Bubu lamp I made), hot Ipoh white coffee in hand, beats Starbucks any day.

If there was PHP and SQL back in the 80s, I may not have made it to medical school! But what many young working people have discovered is that work has meaning, and isn't just means of accumulating cash. There's a whole movement among working Christians today to work out how work glorifies God, blesses people, and is meaningful to oneself. At times when I'm pushed to the brink, a tiny voice inside tells me that what I'm doing is my appointed way of worshipping God.. then everything takes on a different light. All the seemingly meaningless things I do day in and day out is worthwhile. And adds up to a service to man and God. Well, I'd go on.. except that my pager just went off! Looks like you guys have been saved by the pager, eh?

Christmas is depressing

2000-12-22T00:28:00.000+08:00

Christmas is depressing. So the experts tell us.

Psychologists have long been familiar with a phenomena they call 'Holiday Blues' (HB). Characterised by a sad, melancholy and anxious mood connected with the holiday season, such a state is seen as pathological and inappropriate because of its mood-incongruent features1 . Some reports claim attempted suicide increased during and after Christmas. The heart of HB is captured by this statement :

"People are supposed to be happy and glad during the holidays - since I am not, there is something wrong with me that must be fixed or made to disappear."

The etiology of Holiday Blues is multi-factorial2, 3. If you're feeling down when the guy next to you is straining 'Fa la la la la!' in high-pitched tones, the contrast is depressing. Also, the year end is a time of self-evaluation and remembering past failures - 'I didn't do so good this year, what's there to celebrate?'. If we're separated from family and loved ones, the loneliness and isolation becomes intensified. And there is pressure to appear sociable and happy at parties, gatherings, and even church services. Wrap that all up with fatigue and stress and you have a sure formula for a crash, burnout and depression.

That's the scene today - artificial merriment making things worse for a person who has real problems of life to cope with.

Ah.. but that's the world! You say. Surely Christians are not susceptible to this phenomena! We have the true meaning of Christmas! Well, to investigate how Christians feel, I asked some old friends about their experience in past Christmases. Take note of the irony in what they say.

"There is so much work, so little time to reflect!"

"I remember how (as a student) I used to feel so empty on Christmas day because that's the time everything is over."

"All the activities! And nobody focuses on the beauty of Christmas itself."

It's a tragedy, I say. Caroling hungrily from street to street. Endless rehearsals to get that note or step just right for the choir and dance. Massive mind-boggling preparations for the Christmas mega concert. All resulting in us having no time and no energy, to focus on the wrong thing anyway. In our efforts to tell the joyous message, we are spending ourselves so completely that we have nothing left with which to savor the hope and reason for Christmas ourselves.

Brothers, let's make this Christmas different. As a recurrent victim of Holiday Blues over many years of Christmas cantatas and campaigns, I plead with you. We need to. And we can. If you are racing towards the end of the year, laden with the burdens of the world, only to cry 'It is finished!' and collapse in a heap, remember this : Jesus already did that for you 2000 years ago. You don't have to repeat his act!

Receive Hope

Face it - it's been a year of win some, lose some. A fair share of accomplishments and failures. Maybe more failures than accomplishments. So what? God knows that, and loves you no less. Taking stock of the year can be discouraging. Hey, it's okay to be sad for a while - even in Christmas. But let your reflection lead you to thanksgiving, repentance and a renewed trust in God for the next chapter. God's compassion in making that journey from Heaven to emerge between the splayed legs of a teenage Mary in a smelly barn - should - a) bring me comfort (that He is with us and understands us) and b) renew my love for others (the same way God loves them).

Nourish yourself

Make time to be with good friends and loved ones. Lots of it. And preferably with good food. Be yourself and let others be themselves too. Revel in the relationships. Talk about life, laugh, and reaffirm that you are there for each other. Pick up the phone and reach the faraway. Ties to be renewed are more important than tasks to be finished. After all, the gift of loving relationships is what 'peace and goodwill to men' is all about.

Worship in rest

Above all, let our hearts be led into worship after copious doses of rest. You deserve it. Bolt the door. Snooze for as long as you like with the alarm clock off. And when you awake, in silence remember Jesus. It's just between you and Him. Offer your own version of frankincense, myrrh and gold in your own quiet way of worship. When we lift our eyes off of the world and ourselves, to set it high upon God above, we will surely find the reason beyond our little lives,.. for the season and beyond

The Big Issue of Small Tissue

2000-09-07T00:29:00.000+08:00

'List the muscles of the tongue. How is the tongue controlled?

Two questions were asked in an ingenious bible study at a student fellowship meeting today. We looked at New Testament teaching on the use of our tongues. The tongue has fascinated scholars for ages. Leonardo da Vinci illustrated 24 muscles in the tongue, and we now know their motor innervation comes from the hypoglossal nerve. The motor nuclei of the twelfth cranial nerve is situated in the brainstem and receives cortical projections from the ipsilateral motor cortex. That’s the supranuclear control of the hypoglossal nerve (a question in my recent postgrad exams). Hence the tongue is voluntarily controlled.

But so what if we know all that? Well, first of all it tells us that speech is governed by our minds. Yet, the way we speak without thinking sometimes suggests that speech was a brainstem reflex! Speech lies in the domain of our responsibility and we decide what to say, not to say, and how to say it. It's been said that more Christians are slain by the tongue than by the sword. Many are the bloodied casualties of careless remarks. So, our tongues must come under the Spirit’s control. Some good lessons from Paul and James about the spiritual supranuclear control of the tongue are :- 1. Speech can be used for good or for evil. The tongue may be small tissue but nobody doubts its great potential to bless or to destroy

1. Our speech is never neutral, always having a profound effect on those who listen. Only what sort of effect will be determined by ourselves. We need to value our speech - it can do so much good, but it can also cause irreparable harm. We also badly need to cultivate a culture of using words to affirm, encourage and build others up. People can soar when we reveal, affirm and encourage the good in them.

2. Speech should be governed by the law of love. Love must take priority over our right to speak. We're congenital experts at picking out others' faults. And when we're offended, it's easy to go around keeping others 'well-informed'. But harsh criticism and gossip flies against God's plan for unity and love among the members of His Body. Love is the most important growth factor of this Body2. When I feel like passing comment on someone, I must first filter : Does what I say help to build up? Would it benefit him to hear it?3 And the next time I feel like gabbing behind someone’s back, I must think : 'Would I say this if the person I'm talking about was here?'

3. The tongue is part of the temple of the Holy Spirit. Our tongues, as far as I can tell, is part of our body we call the temple. ‘Take my lips, and let them be filled with messages from Thee!’ we sing Frances Havergal’s hymn with great feeling. But the same lips later joke and utter words that makes rubbish look sterile. I think remembering that my body is home for the eternal God is a great motivation for keeping the rot at bay4. I want to do my level best to keep this home clean for He who dwells in me5. Surely Jesus is our best example. He is our great defender – not condemning us but speaking good of us to the Father6. In love He gave up his rights, even to the point of dying for us on the cross. Let’s be defenders of the brethren and not condemners. And let’s restrain our right to speak with the wisdom that communicates love always.

Scripture References
1) James 3:4-5 ‘..take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.’

2) Eph 4:15-16 ‘Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.’

3) Eph 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

4) James 3:9-10 ‘ With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.’

5) 1 Cor 6:19 ‘Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;’ 6) Rom 8:33-34 ‘Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died--more than that, who was raised to life--is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.’

Lost in the sea of change?

2000-04-01T00:32:00.000+08:00

We have always been confined to six landmasses and separated by oceans. But ingenuity and our passion to communicate has driven us to bridge distance and time. In fact, our means of delivering messages have been getting better and faster; and more so in this century. It started with Bell’s telephone, followed by the digitization of data, a worldwide computer revolution and putting satellites in orbit. All these set the stage for the greatest leap forward in humankind’s age-old pursuit for community. And that great leap is the Internet.

Today the Internet has pervaded every aspect of life and it is in accelerated evolution. What we mastered yesterday is outmoded today. Yet, we are called to understand our world and to discern God’s call in such times. Amid this new globe made of servers and fiber-optic networks, we need the right lens to see and figure out how we should live. We need a Bible-based framework to comprehend the great evolution before us. Then only are we able to engage this cyber-civilization to uphold all of God’s beauty, truth and goodness in it, while guarding against threats against humanity and the Kingdom. I can think of four characteristics that may help us frame this entity we call the Internet. It is: transcendent, convergent, dynamic and human.

Transcendent. The Internet transcends conventional barriers of time and space. Information gets relayed within milliseconds across any distance around the globe. ICQ, for example, allows two or more people living in India and Greenland to type out messages to each other in real time. “The Internet will become transparent to us,” said a Los Angeles computer science professor, quoted by The Associated Press. “It will be everywhere, always available – just like electricity.” Voice and video conferencing, and virtual reality not far from reach, will further augment the immediacy and closeness we feel with each other. These days, we are only limited by time zones and our circadian lifestyle.

The Internet also transcends boundaries of ethnicity, ideology, gender and age. On the ground, we are segregated based on whether we’re fit or frumpy, rich or ragged, and where we eat - in The Royal Selangor Golf Club or the Ramly burger stand in Gombak. Class and cross-cultural relations add even greater stigmata. All these inhibit us from interacting freely. In cyberspace, while personal prejudices and preferences will remain, we have greater freedom to interact with whomever we desire.

Convergent. Our pool for interaction is almost anyone who logs onto the Internet. People are finding it far easier to share a common idea or interest, and thereon discuss and learn. Communities inevitably form when people find acceptance and commonness in small or large groups. Ultimately we see people come together simply because of wider opportunity to encounter others who think the same way.

Dynamic. With communities and discussion groups thriving on the Internet, so much more expression and debate takes place. This encourages discovery and affirmation of views. Eventually new ideas are born and new directions are taken. More communities will form – some will merge while others diversify, and people will rally around different causes. And so, on the Internet rapid change and growth is happening. It’s not surprising that many new trends and thoughts are emerging from this worldwide collaboration of minds.

Human. All things considered, this great digital corridor is inescapably human. The millions of web pages and bits of information are not void of values and human interpretation. Even large amounts of seemingly meaningless data serve a purpose. In any expression on the Internet, we inevitably bring our personalities to bear. We interpret, we assimilate, we respond, we tell our stories, we hope to achieve something. Humanity is expressed. This cyberspace at its very core is the Mind Space of everyone on it.

In this billowing sea of progress, the Man of Galilee calls us to sit in His boat and look to Him to still the waters. We look to the true Navigator for the protocol by which we should operate. Thomas Kelly reminds us: ‘A practicing Christian must above all be one who practices the perpetual return of the soul into the inner sanctuary, who brings the world into its Light and rejudges it, who brings the Light into the world with all its turmoil and its fitfulness and re-creates it.’

Four Kingdom Values on the Internet

Some thoughts on how we, as God’s people, can engage the Internet.

Presence. Practicing God’s Presence is crucial. Firstly, it prevents us from worshipping the Internet. Because the Internet is such a great leap forward and offers a promising new dimension of living, it becomes all too easy for us to trust in it for life and serve it with unproportionate attention -- then it becomes a false god. Secondly, practising God’s Presence is to know that God is absolute and unchanging while we live in a relativistic and unpredictable world. We are not to be shaken or forced to conform. And we can eventually offer truth and constancy to a world that is crying out for reality. The Internet is not the answer to humanity’s needs. God is.

Community. As humanity converges in this mind space, it is ironic that we may become not more connected but more dissipated and fragmented. The Internet brings people to together but they may log off more lonely and filled with animosity. The Internet does not promise peace. Since we ourselves are restored to the Father, we are interested in restoring relationships. Henri Nouwen, in his book Reaching Out says that our vocation is “to convert … the enemy into a guest and to create the free and fearless space where brotherhood and sisterhood can be formed and fully experienced.” He adds: “Maybe the concept of hospitality can offer a new dimension to our understanding of a healing relationship and the formation of a re-creative community in a world so visibly suffering from alienation and estrangement.”

All of us need people who will listen and offer others a ‘free and fearless space’ to be. When we accept each other and affirm God’s unconditional love, we can discover and pursue our true needs with confidence. Only then can we all make choices and commitments that are right and true to our heart’s cry.

Guidance. In cyber-civilization, new ideas and causes will tug us in every direction. More than ever, we must know what and Who guides us. Then we can pursue what is right and resist godless purposes. We are reminded that the greatest commandment is to love God with all our being, and then to love others as ourselves. It may be good to measure our steps by that token – are my actions glorifying to God, a blessing to others, and meaningful to me? In particular, we are drawn to keep “in step with the Spirit.” Instead of running ahead or lagging behind, we are called to fix our eyes on Him moment by moment and to live as we are led.

Compassion and Conversion. The Internet is human. It is shaped and driven by forces that govern humanity. How do we view and respond to all that we see or hear in the Internet, good or bad?

Henri Nouwen in Here and Now marvels at the Dalai Lama of Tibet, who remained free from hatred or bitterness toward the Chinese who ravaged his land and murdered his people. He (the Dalai Lama) says : "They too are human beings who struggle to find happiness and deserve our compassion." May we allow multimedia broadcasts of pain and suffering to reach the depths of our hearts and there be transformed by His love, to compassion.

The challenge before us is to look at the events of our times not as incidents and accidents that have little to do with us, but to see them as a call us to the conversion of our hearts. Jesus, when he heard reports of rebellious Galileans executed by Pilate, replied: "Do you think that these Galileans were worse sinners than all the other Galileans because they suffered this way? I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish” Luke 13:2-3 (NIV). Jesus gave us not a political interpretation but a spiritual one. He’s saying, what happened invites you to conversion! This is the deepest meaning of history: we are constantly invited to turn our hearts to God and so discover the full meaning of our lives.

We will continue to look and listen to the Internet to understand people’s longings and needs. We also listen intently to the Word and His Spirit within us to know how we should respond. To the transcendent highways of the Internet, we offer God’s rooting Presence. To the converging forces, we open our arms in hospitality to recreate community. To its dynamic cauldron of ideas, we offer the light of His guidance. To humanity in the Internet, we offer compassion and invite a turning of our hearts to God.

The Daro Debacle

2000-01-15T00:33:00.000+08:00

My days as a doctor in Sarawak have been the most exciting times of my career.

Months ago, I took a long boat to Daro, a sleepy riverside village near Kuala Rejang. After the two- hour journey, I yawningly telephoned the district hospital ambulance to come pick me at the wharf.

Daro Hospital has three wards, one operation theatre and eight outpatient clinics. There’s an X-ray room, a lab and a blood bank. The hospital is run by some 80 staff (nurses, assistant nurses, attendants, medical assistants, clerical staff, laboratory technicians, cleaners, drivers, engineers) and one doctor.

Yes, one doctor. This one medical officer takes the ward round in the morning, sees patients in the clinic all day, performs routine and emergency surgery, and is on call all night long. He calls the shots. He diagnoses. He treats. And he sends patients home to the family or to heaven (or not).

In urban hospitals, doctors are given specific duties: surgical, paediatric, emergency. But in remote areas, I’m told, you hove to be ready for anything.

Day 1: Sunday afternoon

I saw a woman who claimed she couldn’t walk. Her son assaulted her, she said, pointing to her disabled hip.

After a few bedside knocks, pricks, and twists, I concluded that she wasn’t quite as incapacitated as she claimed. I told her to get up and try walking. She was okay. She went home.

Later in the night, the son turned up with the police. The poor man was suffering from a bad relapse of schizophrenia. He twisted his face and clenched his fists as he imagined tormentors attacking him. They want me dead, he shrieked. Clearly, I needed to administer a dose of strong neuroleptic to rest his tortured mind.

But he would hit us if we tried to coax him to stay still. Soon, we found ourselves chasing him up and down the hospital corridor It took six adult men to wrestle him to the ground before I could use the syringe on him, which knocked him out. We kept him sleeping in a locked roam, and we continued injections for another four days until he was free of his fits of violence. He went home calm and rested.

Day 2: Monday night

A middle-aged lady was brought in unconscious. She was paralysed on her right half from face to foot. With a background of being hypertensive and not taking her medication, it was fairly obvious she had suffered a stroke. Hypertension that is not controlled either causes brain vessels to burst or become blocked. Either way, some part of the brain dies. That’s a stroke.

I was in a bind. If she bled through a burst vessel, then her blood pressure must be brought down —just like you would tighten a leaking faucet. However, if she had a clot in a vessel, I needed to keep her pressure up and give her aspirin to prevent clotting.

But without a CT scan of the brain, I had no way of knowing whether to raise or lower the pressure. And getting a CT scan entailed a perilous, four-hour journey by speedboat through a network of rivers. Furthermore, it was night-time.

Judging from how deeply unresponsive she was, she probably bled in the brain rather than clotted. She was rushed to Sibu for a CT scan in the morning. It turned out she had a bleed in the basal ganglia, an area deep in her brain where nerve tissue converges. She was transferred back to Daro on the day I left. She had improved only slightly and would probably go home that way.

Day 3: Tuesday

In the mornings, I sit in the clinic and see outpatients. A sore throat here, a fever there, some back aches, red eyes, tummy pain, the usual take-two-of-these-and-you’ll be-all-right scenario. But I have to always be on the alert for some thing out of the ordinary.

Today, a 17-year-old married mother - seven months pregnant with her first child - told me she had stomach cramps and minor bleeding from below. I examined her. No contractions. It was too early for that anyway. Was the placenta coming loose inside? Was she having some indigestion? I put her in the ward for observation.

Four hours passed. No pain. No contraction. No bleeding. Not a word. Not a sound. Then, at 4 pm...

‘Head at perineum!’ my nurse screamed. My heart sank like a rock. So did my jaw. A premature baby was going to be born, and there was no stopping it.

We ran. We arrived in time to catch the tiny baby, which missiled out some five feet from her womb, followed by a glob of placenta. Oh, God! We cut the cord and rushed the baby to the incubator. We gave it oxygen, sucked its mouth and wrapped it up to give it warmth. It cried gustily. Soon, it began grunting in that helpless way all premature infants do because the alveoli in their immature lungs aren’t able to expand easily. Any expulsion of foetus before week 28 is a miscarriage, after which it is a premature infant. This kid was hanging an for dear life at week 29.

We worked on this baby for hours. We gave it intravenous fluids by passing a tiny catheter through its umbilical cord vein. An incubator kept the baby’s skin warm. We flooded it with oxygen. Antibiotics were sent through the umbilical catheter to prevent infection. We prayed.

I wanted to send the baby to Sibu, but the hospital had no ventilators left. Because of that, the Sibu paediatrician decided at 5 pm that the baby had a better chance in my inexperienced hands in Daro than in a boat to the neonatology unit in Sibu.

Hours passed. By 9 pm, it was obvious this baby couldn’t keep it up for very much longer. She was gasping for air, and her chest wall sucked in with every breath.

We made a decision to transfer her to Sibu to be put on a ventilator (God knows how they were going to find one). The young mum swooned a couple of times as she watched us sweat and struggle over the tiny life that was expelled from her womb.

It was imperative to pass a tube into the child’s trachea to help it breathe. I passed a tiny tube down the baby’s vocal cords and fed it oxygen. The tube slipped out repeatedly.

The entire night crew was there. They were giving their all. They ran helter-skelter. X-rays. Oxygen tanks. Hot-water bottles. Ambu-bag. Laryngoscope.

When we were ready, the emergency transfer team took over. We surrendered her to a kindly nurse who bundled the baby in warm blankets while everyone surrounding her carried the tanks, tubes and hanging bottles. We moved like one big spider to the waiting ambulance. We rushed to the wharf where they got onto the growling speedboat.

We wished them well. We prayed silently. Moments later, the boat was swallowed by the dark night. Thunder rumbled from afar and cracks of lightning heralded the journey. I returned to the unmanned hospital, thinking of the perils of the journey. They could get lost. The boat could crash and ricochet off unseen logs. The storm could capsize them. And the baby, who came into the world a little too early, now struggles to live outside the safe confines of her mother.

I called Joan who was in Kota Bharu from the hospital phone and asked her to pray for them.

I tried to sleep. About five hours later, the phone rang — a call had come from Sibu. I was informed that the team, along with the mother and her baby, made it to Sibu after four hours. Alas, soon after reaching the neonate intensive care unit, the baby died.

Day 4 : Wednesday

It is quiet this morning. Storks, flapping their wings, come to roost on this field beside the hospital. The clouds are gone.

We try to comfort each other. I know we are all grieving. If you love life, you never stop crying. We entrust the life that slipped through our hands into the loving Father’s hands above. We pray for comfort, healing and new life for the broken ones left behind. I never got to see the young mother again... God bless her and her husband, give them courage to begin again. I have a commitment to the living. And I go on.

I operated on a 10-year-old girl who had appendicitis. She recovered quickly and was able to walk and eat by the time I left. A 6- month-old girl had a shard of glass or plastic impacted on her eye. I gingerly flicked it off with a needle while the anaesthetist kept her under. Her mum was crying outside the whole time, I think.

I saw a man whose abdomen was so bloated with fluid that we collected 2 litres of it. I wonder what the tests will show.
I took care of two babies that lay side by side, tanning under the UV light, recalcitrantly yellow.

Day 5 : Thursday

A 2-year-old boy came to the hospital, pale as paper and vomiting blood. A quick blood test and my worst fears were confirmed. Leukaemia. This was the first case of leukaemia ever in Daro.

The boy hardly had enough hemoglobin to live on. I had never seen a leukemic child alive with only 2 grams/dL of hemoglobin (normal is 10 and above). We gave him blood. Very slowly. Any faster and we would have flooded his heart. He needed a bone-marrow examination quickly.

Day 6 : Friday

In the morning, we put mother, father, and child onto the speed boat. I joined them in the journey back to Sibu. The debacle at Daro was over.

Ode to the School Toilet

1999-12-01T22:58:00.000+08:00

"My bowels, my bowels! I am pained at my very heart; my heart maketh a noise in me; I cannot hold my peace, because thou hast heard, O my soul, the sound of the trumpet, the alarm of war." - Jeremiah

Or as we say these days, when you gotta go, you gotta go.

My cultivated reverence for the cloister of cleansing goes back a long, long way. The deeply personal accounts of relationships with toilets - Alvin's encounter with the metre-long sigmoid sausage, Jessica's stercobilinogenous ceiling art, Cold Fusion's School Toilet Library, and Arthur's colonic gurgles - tells me that there is an inbuilt reverence for The Toilet in all of us. It's very personal, yet universal.

Once at the tender age of 9, I had an immense urge to unload. I was in class. But school was almost out. The sun was setting. The school bus would soon arrive to whisk me home. And the thought of having to bare my butt in that gross swamp we call the school toilet crushed all Thoughts of releasing my secret digestions.

'I will keep it to myself', I resolved. Mind did not triumph over matter that fateful day.

The trumpet sounded. I sweated jugs and swallowed bricks. The alarm of war rang in my ears. I heaved and palpitated. My face contorted to unrecognizable proportions. The table was creaking under my tightening grip.

A restive silence. Then comes the thunder-clap of a mighty peristaltic rush. They charged and my cowardly sphincter surrendered, swinging wide open its gates. I crapped. And I wasn't anywhere near the toilet.

After that humiliating defeat by my bowels, carrying emotional scars no psychotherapy will heal, I learned.

Lesson number #1 - Pay attention to your gut feelings and yield to its demands. Anywhere and anytime, baby! You're the boss! You got it right, Debbie Gibson - "If you say jump, I'll say 'how high'? If you say run, I'll run and fly".

Lesson number #2 - Never look down on The Toilet. Cesspool though it may be but when I hear my calling, run and fly to Thee I will!

Many toilet-years later, I have matured. My sphincters didn't grow tighter, but I grew wiser in the relationship. I understood the Toilet, and she took care of me. You just have to treat her right.

For example, if she is swinging her chain, she is saying, "Someone's just been here and really pissed me. I'm hot and I'm flustered, so come back later." If she makes deep gargling sounds, she means, "The last guy really drained me. Let me renew my soul and I'll be ready to dispense living waters again." If she is choking and spluttering : "Don't push me! I'll vomit it all out on you!" There are just so many subtle signs to read - the broken latch on the door, the dripping tap, the absence or presence of paper, the imprints on the great white throne. But they must be correctly interpreted if you are to enter the oracle equipped for a fulfilling experience, sitting or squatting.

Way back in MBSSKL, I was for a year or two the chief of a pack of wolves who wore blue dog chains and guarded the discipline of the school. Yes, the Prefectorial Board - the biggest mafia in Petaling Street. It was a demanding job. I figure I earned the job discovering peanut-smudged school ties in the toilet. (A joke only FEW oldies will get.) And I needed inspiration on a day-to-day basis. There were just so many problems. How to pacify the Principal who is breathing down my neck about poor discipline? How to solve that Physics paradox of metal balls swinging in space? How to express my hormonal crush on the cutest lower-sixer? How to keep the prefects entertained in a board meeting? How to get that 5A's I need in STPM? How to get through this boring class? And so the hours would pass till the appointed time arrived.

As time passed in the morning, my heart got heavier with each new burden. Laden with cares, pushed to the limit, on the verge of cracking under the weight...

*PPrrrruuupppp...*

A hushed whisper is heard. A breezy voice beckons from behind. My eyes light up! I can feel it within - a stirring in my deepest parts. It is the Call!! The time has come to approach the throne!

Hastily I secure a toilet pass from the puzzled teacher. She never saw a happier toilet-goer. I sprint happily to the school office two blocks away to collect my toilet roll. (Thats' MBSSKL! No tissue paper allowed in school! It's the secret of our cleanliness.) I scowl at the recycled schlock and hold it up against the sunlight.. "I can read news on it, man!" This is going to cause some major injuries, I think to myself, staring at last year's newspaper shaped into a toilet-roll. I wince at the thought of abrasions.

A short trot to the toilet. Its humid but cool ambience is inviting. The sound of dripping faucets and gurgling pipes is mysteriously calming as I pass the gate. My pupils dilate to accomodate the dark as I step pass the shower pipes and into the inner chamber of urinals. With measured steps I approach my shrine - left row, 2nd cubicle from the last. It's very personal, you know.

Left row, 2nd cubicle from the last.

The sanctum.

Heave...

Here I am.

Unlatch. Enter. Latch.

The ritual begins.

First I turn around and execute a few expert moves.

*Swish.. zzzziipp.. fllorrrpp*

I am bare and unashamed. I slap my arms, Shao-Lin fashion, and enter deep reflection on bended knees. The 5 by 4 chapel insulates me from the stormy world outside. She gives me refuge and draws me to feel my own chaos. To behold it, to wrestle with it, to grapple it, to understand it. I close my eyes. My eyebrows knit in concentration

The minutes pass. I sweat. I tremble. I traverse the long dark tunnel of my confusion. Sometimes the pain is unbearable. But I persist knowing the pain is stretching me and makes the passage easier. Slowly but surely each mystery is unravelled, the convolutions unfold one by one as I take the journey from fore to hind. Every haustra of doubt is cleared, every segment of uncertainty manouevred through. Yes... I have it, I have it! How to outsmart my Principal, how to use kamilan on that physics problem, how to tackle my heart-throb, how to score in my exams, how to clown in the board.... how to.. how to...

Aaararrggaghgahhaghghghaghaghghgh!!!!

Excruciating agony sears through my spine!

Finally, a tsunami of pleasure sweeps over me as I make my rush for the light. All my energies converge and I hurtle at the final obstacle with all my might...

*KaaaaaaAAAAAA - BBOOOOOMMMMMM...*

There is a massive explosion. Lights are flashing and the cubicle is spinning. I clutch at the walls in vain as I struggle not to pass out..

*Splat! Slide... Plloommbbb!*

*AAaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

*AAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

I sigh a great big sigh of relief almost melodiously.

A huge burden has been taken from of me. I have all the answers to life and I soak for a while in my renewed inspiration with which to face the day. The encounter is over. I have my answers and my inspiration. I whistle a merry tune as I arise and bring the rite to a close. Remember the old adage - no business is done till the paperwork is finished! Efficiently I scrub down and suit up. I bow to the throne once, religiously giving her chain a firm tug or two. She gurgles with delight as she beams proudly at how she had directed me with gentleness and finesse.

"Thank you," I whisper silently.

Trot trot, skip, trot trot. "Carrr Peii Diem!" A resolute, confident and lighter me bounds back to class. weaving behind my beloved chapel of purification, till I come back again another day with another load.