Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Discovering calls

Just stepping back into KL made me sad. I've just come back from a lovely trip to Kinabalu. From majestic hill country to grimy city life - it's a steep descent into the humdrum of Klang valley.

Part of the pain comes from the lack of challenge and purpose in my job. I have yet to find the 'thing' that grips me from ahead and propels me forward. Surgeries are few and far between, and I haven't got many patients I can call my own. Surely I trained all these years to do more than warm my office chair and brew coffee every morning?

I struggle just to get up in the morning and head to work. I have nothing to look forward to. This is bad.

Times like these call for deep reflection, I guess. I need to listen for the call of the moment. Find my 'sealed orders' for the current station. Trying to fill up my week with activity, for the sake of activity, would be an exercise of self-deception - at best deceiving myself that I'm living a full life, at worst driving myself into burnout and disillusionment.

As I try to listen with head and heart, paying attention to signals around and stirrings within, I am finding the beginnings of new directions. Calls worthy of whole-hearted pursuit.

Calls at any one point can be many and varied. They are not the overarching purposes like 'glorify God' or 'serve mankind'. They are rather specific towards a particular time and place. They take considerable quietness to discern and time to nurture. But they must do one thing - draw me out of the ordinary and propel me beyond self-service and the usual concern of security & success.

Calls can be exciting and terrifying all at once, but leaves one in unrest and anxiety and obeyed. I yearn to find that narrow path, the one that triggers immense joy and meaning once followed.

What are my calls at the moment? What is my current environment, my inner journey, and my God saying to me at this time? Will I have the courage to say 'yes'? Will I have the discipline and persistence to follow the path to the end?

I will take the time to listen. Not rush in the direction of every whim. Hush the many voices that tug this way and that. Anchor deeply on the bedrock of truth to withstand against the ever-changing tides of popular opinion and expectations. And when the silent wind comes, may my sails be ready to let it take me wherever it blows.


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